12/19/13

Pride V Humilty


What does it mean to be intelligent?  To know useful things has a purpose.  Yet, how easily the defilements arm themselves with all I know.  This leaves intelligence as my largest hurdle of pride and self centeredness.  The more intelligent I become, the more effective my own wickedness may be at fooling me, robbing me, and lying to me.

Pride is like being filled with empty ideas.  None of it nourishes me to love myself.  Yet, I hold onto it all for dear life.  I don’t want to part with myself importance.  Although, I see the hidden building blocks of unhappiness I cause myself.  I just haven’t suffered enough to let it go.

If only I could calm my rage long enough to be grateful for what I can see today.  Things I just couldn’t see yesterday.  Surely that would pave the way to patience, kindness and self love.  But I’m addicted to my rage.  It’s my comforter; my oldest companion through the lonely and cold winters of my heart.


I am in love with my own wickedness.  Everything I learn about the world around becomes fuel for the fire I burn myself in.  I am tired of getting burned.  But my lack of humility in all things says I am NOT tired enough.

12/11/13

Blank Page


A blank page is symbolic of awakening, and the path that gets you there.  It does not have any preconceived notions about what message it will receive.  Nor does it spend any time dwelling on what has happened in the past.  It is plain, beautifully simple, and empty.

How does one achieve such simplicity within the confines of a complex human life?  The blank page suggests that we keep it down to the most basic question of Karma.  What actions lead to what result?  A blank page is content at being useful in creating and displaying a meaning.  Can we do the same for our own happiness?

Above all else a blank page is honest.  It does not lie and pretend to be this or that.  It is not looking for anyone’s approval.  It only claims to be at the disposal of a power higher than itself.

We scribble on it, we write both the most meaningful and the most destructive messages on it.  We spill our food and drink on it.  We rip it to shreds, and sometimes, try to tape it back together.  We’ve found or lost the meaning of life on it, and yet, it is always waiting, and ready, with the same care we have given it.  Can we be as magnanimous as a blank page?


The Buddha suggests that we can.

12/4/13

The Body


How we see ourselves from the inside is truly a universe all to itself.  It is the foundation of how we relate to the universe around us.  But, before you can develop a healthy universe inside, you must first notice the flaws within it.  Why would you fix something that you don’t think is broken?

This would be impossible to do if you are deficient of honesty and courage!  You must be willing to endure the pain of being with what you don’t want and the pain of being away from what you do want long enough to see how you relate.  There can be no drugs, hindrances or obsessions in the way; we must be still and sober. 

It wasn’t until I faced my deepest inner insecurities that it dawned on me.  The biggest problem that I have ever had was spawned by a negative body image.  I still travel with heavy luggage filled with associations I made when I was still learning how to talk.  Ironically, the antidote for an unhealthy body image is a healthy negative body image.

Most people don’t like the strategy called “Contemplation of the Body” it can inspire disgust.  i.e. blood, urine, feces, intestines, puss, phlegm, saliva etc…  This is not to inspire an obsession for what is disgusting about being human.  It is to remind us that we are all fundamentally the same from the inside out.  It is to pry us from our attachment to what is beautiful about the body before it fades due to illness or aging, to cure us of our obsessions for what we have or don’t have, and to make us focus on what is truly beautiful about being human: Integrity, Love and Compassion.



10/2/13

Myself


It is hard to figure out where I am in this intense wilderness of my mind, let alone be where I am.  I’ve spent most of my life negating who I was in hopes to become something more impressive to the fractured world around me.  Gentleness and curiosity were quickly traded for harsh resentment at a very young age.  It served to make me more, “normal,” and fractured like the world, compartmentalizing everything; denying the bonds that link the all together.

First, I must stop blaming the world for my shortcomings.  The world will be what it is, and I will still choose to see it how I wish.  Choice is a very funny thing.  I never thought I'd meet my worst enemy by sitting alone with myself, quietly.  I still don’t know my enemy/self too well.  But, I don’t have to know everything about my enemy, or even love him, to wish him well.

Patience, endurance and more control over my speech are the biggest obstacles in my way at this time.  I can see it all too clearly in the way I relate to myself.  The voices that come up when I try to motivate myself are very cruel and impatient.  That is why it so important that I practice with everyone else, what I wish to practice with myself.

Dear Self,

I am sorry I’ve resented you for so long.  I am sorry for the way I belittle you, disrespect you, and even ignore you.  I didn’t know any better.  I thought it was wise to separate myself from you.  I don’t expect you to like me or forgive me over night.  However, whether we like it or not.  We are in this together!



Sincerely,


Myself

P.S. I've heard rumors that you ain't all that bad. :)

9/25/13

Be Generous or Thirsty

Anyone that wishes to be released from the clutches of fear, addiction, anxiety, lust, anger or obsession would do well to listen closely.  Generosity must be your foundation.  We must live as if life depends on skillful acts of kindness.  Our happiness depends on it.  Begin with generosity towards others, and then take joy in those acts.

The main problem we face is our own stinginess.  We swim in a cesspool of greed.  Then we wonder why we can’t see, or how we got to smell so foul.  Perhaps we don’t like ourselves, or worse, we’ve convinced ourselves that our stinginess is agreeable, or we simply think there is no other way.  OH!  But there is always another way.

I see this in myself.  Subtle forms of stinginess hide within me and it's even encouraged by our greedy culture.  My mind uses its own intelligence as a tool to do itself harm.  How often do we stop, pause and reflect to see just what it is we are holding?

I also see this in spiritual communities.  So many opportunities to be generous and kind go unnoticed, if not avoided all together.  I can always measure how much I’m suffering by how little I donate in terms of resources, time, or service.  How ironic, that this happens even among those spiritually thirsty “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make her drink.”

9/16/13

Community

All my life, the one thing that was always present during moments of happiness was a sense of healthy community.  It is so odd that in our current era of advanced technology and social networks, it is mostly absent.  I believe this is a phenomenon that is deeply embedded in the psychological structure of society.  There is nothing healthy about greed and that’s what most of human interaction encourages these days.

While I was training in the gym today, I had to wait on the squat rack.  Initially as I was waiting, a sense of entitlement arose in me.  It was based on the conceit that most in the gym don’t do what I do.  I manage to notice the shift in my mind, when it began to color everyone in the gym grey with hostility.  I began to tighten up, and feel threatened.  But, I paused, took a deep refreshing breath, and then I asked myself “what if I just feel glad that everyone here has made some type of commitment to be here in the first place?”  I let the question drop.

The shift encouraged me to ask some guys that were training “would you guys mind if I squat with you all?”  The guys seemed elated; they smiled, and said “sure, jump right in!”    As we trained we exchanged ideas about training ethic, shoes, and even spotted each other.  I put my ego aside, and fed on their interest, and commitment to leg training.  Then it occurred to me that we were in fact a community of fitness enthusiasts that trained in the same gym.  Why can’t every human experience lead to new and renewed bonds such as this?

There is always something positive to feed on within another human being.  It doesn’t matter how little you like them, or know of them.  Seeing the goodness in others doesn’t require you to ignore any wrong they’ve done, or to love them.  It just means that you’ve made a conscious decision to train in the habit of resting your mind on others good qualities first, and that is an invaluable habit.  Especially, to those that tend to be very-very hard on themselves!

9/13/13

Balance


It is very interesting how the mind works.  I usually do NOT post when I fail to observe the 8 precepts on Uposatha days.  I think it’s due to embarrassment, and a sense of not wanting to celebrate by sharing my thoughts of the day or week.  Needless to say, I failed to observe all the 8 precepts.

Yet, thanks to Ajahn Sarayut Arnanta, I began to realize that I was not seeing the whole picture.  My mind has a tendency to dwell on the things that I have not accomplished, ignoring all of the things that I have accomplished.  Although, I had failed to observe on one day, my Practice is something I am doing to change how I live and find happiness.  This practice is nothing short of life changing, when we hold it right.

Instead of beating myself up over the one Precept I have trouble following for one day.  I should review how much of my life has changed and improved overall.  Where is it that my life has settled easefully into the gifts of the practice?  Recognizing my accomplishments will only serve to sustain my inner wealth and happiness.  This is after all, not a practice of extremes, but of moderation; The Middle Way.


My fitness and strength goals have naturally settled me into following 7 of the 8 precepts during the work week, Monday through Friday.  I find that following the 7 keeps me strong and has improved my strength dramatically.  However, my appetite has also increased due to new and heavier workloads.  This makes it very challenging to hold the food precept with kindness.  Yet, if the overall goal is to change how I live my life, I am still doing that, which takes more than just one day to do.

9/4/13

Mental Training


I grew up having a negative body image for various reasons.  I was also kept secluded, away from most other children.  This made it so that playing sports was simply not an option for me.  I did not have the social skills or the physical ability to compete with my peers.

I gravitated to strength training, because it was something that I could do alone, something that would give me confidence, a positive body image.  Over the years it became a spiritual experience.  The act of confronting a physical challenge always requires that you have your mind in order and focused.  This led me to have an immense respect for discipline.  How else could I keep lifting heavy weight?  Training the body became my way of life.

I’ve attained many things from my enthusiasm for fitness.  Not all of them good.  I am, unfortunately prone to being intoxicated with stories about myself.  “I can do what others can’t.  I have something that others don’t.”  Or the reversal of which is even more common for me.  “I can’t do what other can.  I don’t have something that others do have.” Either of which is conceit.  No to mention how much it depresses me to recognize that one day, In the not so distant future, I will not be able to sustain my fitness efforts or my body in its current condition.


How can I produce a life of profound value?  What challenge can I commit to that will satisfy my deepest yearnings?  What is there left for me to do?  The only thing left is to train the mind!

8/29/13

Lifting

Last week I found myself inspired (during a thunder storm) to make parallels between strength training with the body, and strength training with the mind.  I found the combination to be poetic, personal, and spiritual.  Below you will find my account of the experience.  I hope you find it useful and inspiring.  May we all find the way to peace and happiness.

I was surrounded by two nebulous dust clouds; my hands, two dragons that spit hot chalk onto cold steel for grip. My biceps like fattened reptilian bellies, contracting and stretching. Sweat beading down my brow like red army ants responding to an intruder. I was on my 5th set of Deadlifts. I was preparing mentally, for a lift I had NOT committed myself too successfully, since the age of 25! I was staring down 495 pounds like if I was David, preparing for Goliath.

The gym went silent. Huge grey clouds gathered outside; lightning; then thunder. I lean in, and take one last deep breath. My lungs seemed to take an eternity to fill, taking long enough for my heart to hesitate. Hesitate, like yesterday, when a young boy at work searched for my name, and instead called me, Tio? (For your information that means Uncle.) I was stunned at his choice of words. I hesitated to respond. This was the same boy, who just the other day, I reprimanded, for not looking after his little sister, and leaving her alone. Why was he calling my Tio? What did this mean? I searched for answers in what seemed to take hours, but it was only a fraction of a second. His innocent eyes waited patiently for my recognition. The innocent heart within me experienced great trepidation.

The little boy in me is like a samurai. And my recognition of his words would be like a contract. Needless to say I did not take the boys words lightly, at all. It was as if I was getting a promotion, a new unofficial title. I took a deep breath, and bowed my head in silent recognition to the little boy. He seemed relieved, and I felt I had increased my own inner worth. For now I would be even more committed than ever before, to being a noble example to this young man for as long as my health lasts. Now, I have only to live up to his words.

All these thoughts rained over my mind this morning, in what must’ve taken only a second. My lungs were full, my mind gladdened, and my body rapturous. I grabbed hold of the weight firmly in my rough hands. Lightning struck synchronously as my legs pumped like pistons, contracting intensely! I dropped the weight. The thunder followed in applause. I completed my lift.

8/21/13

Follow the Rabbit


My entire life I have lived in comparisons to others.  How can I be more like my parents, siblings, friends, religious leaders, wealthy people, movie stars, popular people, on and on, into infinity.  I’ve been so caught up in my stories about others I’ve forgotten who I am.  Now, I enter a slow and gradual process of remembering through mindfulness.

First I must observe how I relate to experience, and unravel the riddles of “not-self.”  Meditation and skillful action serve as a mirror for constant reflection and self assessment.  After all, the actions I take and choose are fundamentally, who I am.  Furthermore, the best part about that truth, I can change, I can choose, I am the power, me, Dean!

Still, who the hell is Dean?  Who is this person I’ve hidden for so long?  The truth is I have no idea.  I’ve been trying too hard to be what I thought others wanted.  So, I need to familiarize myself with what I like, what I desire.  Now, there are a few basic things I do know about myself: I love a challenge, I don’t give up easily, and I want to be happy.  Knowing those three things is a dam good start!


I’ve been pretty obsessed with the idea of becoming a spiritual teacher or even a monk.  But all that would be putting the cart before the horse.  If, I’ve learned anything from Buddhism it is to focus on the causes of the desired result I wish to achieve, not the other way around.  Hell, even strength training and fitness have taught me that.  Skillful action (virtue), meditation (concentration), then be patient and watch what happens.  I am determined to find out where the Buddha’s path leads.  I suppose this means that I really want to become an Arahant.  But, will I be able to do what the path requires to achieve this in my lifetime?  I don’t know.  But, I do intend to find out.  “Curiouser and curiouser,” indeed my friends!

8/14/13

Latin@s Racism and Prejudice


Greed and aversion are what make the world go round.  Those that conquer are the ones to write history.  Being casualties themselves of greed and aversion, all their expressions encourage subjugation to defilements.  Prejudice, racism, poverty and war are all products of the corrupted heart.  We need not go further than our own heart to see this clearly.  Whenever we’ve become entangled with the “wantings” of the world, where did it lead?

All forms of available media (i.e. movies, internet, news, radio, popular music, etc…) serve the interests of wealth seeking corporations.  The only way most people have to entertain themselves and to know of the happenings in the world; are but cheerleaders of greed and aversion.  Yet, the choices we make allow us to be both victims and supporters ourselves.

My family grew up with little education, in poverty.  Their eyes and ears bombarded with images that conditioned them to have negative associations to what they are, people of color.  I love my family very much!  But they are all very prejudice, and not always in subtle ways.  Showing resentment for anything different, just as the world had done around them all their lives.  This made finding an identity complicated for me as an adolescent.  My siblings and I were darker skinned than most of my family.  Though they loved us well, it was clear that we reminded them of something they were trying to forget about themselves, or perhaps something already forgotten.

I imagine that my family circumstances as a Latino growing up must be common place.  At least in my experience, prejudice has been common amongst Latinos, or anyone in poverty.  Some lighter skinned Latinos see themselves as superior, and even closer to god.  I still struggle with forms of reverse racism that developed in my heart.  But hate for ourselves, or for those that hate us, solves nothing!!!

This is why I am so grateful for the Practice.  As I make progress I unravel the defilements in my heart.  Making it clear that I am not responsible for my family, or even for this world, I am responsible only for myself.  I don’t need to worry about what others think of me, or of what is happening in their minds.  Doing so would only dissipate the energy I need to look after myself, to make sure that my actions are clean and pure.  After all as Ghandi said “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”

8/5/13

Powerful Practice!


“Brahmacarya for yogis, as stated in the Agni-Purana, embodies self-imposed abstention from sexual activity: fantasizing, glorifying the sex act or someone's sexual attraction, dalliance, sexual ogling, sexually flirtatious talk, the resolution to break one's vow, and consummation of sexual intercourse itself, with any being.” -Yogi excerpt from Wikipedia

I have recently started a new practice of abstaining from any and all sexual activity, mental, physical or verbal.  I observe this during the work week, Monday through Friday.  I take a breather, only if I feel like it, after work on Friday (or the weekend) and resume my Practice again Monday morning.  It has been challenging, but fruitful.  I’ve been doing this for about 3 weeks now.  I have only had a few minor mishaps.

I have noticed a few important things as I’ve done this.  Everything I touch with a pure mind and body has intensified 100 times fold.  My concentration, workouts, and meditations have all improved in almost super natural ways.  I am not exaggerating!  Sexual energy is a very powerful force when channeled into other endeavors.  Even sex itself has intensified in many ways whenever I choose to return to it.

I don’t think this type of practice is for everybody.  But, if you could start changing your relationship to sex in gentle ways, you will not regret the result, man or woman.  Changing my relationship to sexuality has opened many doors for me.  I am happy to say that I will continue with this practice.  I am excited to see where it leads me.

7/30/13

Delighting in Drowning



Delighting creates thirst.  But sensual pleasures are like paper money, they have no true value.   Delighting, I drown within empty pleasures.  It is hard for my busy mind to recognize this.

Even more difficult, is to see renunciation is a life preserver, a lifeguard.  It is the cure for busyness, blindness, and thirst.  A raft that’s ever present, and waiting to take me back to shore.  Subtle and hard to see, the gift of safety, which only we can provide to ourselves.

This is why it is important to associate with wise people.  To see the example of one who has already seen.  Reading books is no substitute for this.  For all too often we fall prey to cloning what we’ve read, and miss applying strategies.  I know this all too well!

Delighting in the breath is useful.  Concentration allows me to see the damage I cause myself and those around me, as when I delight in unskillful and harmful actions.  Thirst disguises itself, as pleasure and immediate gratification.  Staying with my breath allows me to see how pleasure leads me to pain.  But, when I don't feel ready to give up the pleasure or hold onto renunciation.  I just need to keep looking, and notice that.

7/22/13

Inchworm


It seems that the more I Practice, the crazier my mind becomes.  Old mental habits of denial and delusion have such strong grip over me.  They’ve kept me from seeing what my mind has been doing.  All those layers of ignorance disperse when I Practice, and that allows me to see what my own mind is brewing.

Imagine, looking at a clean white spot on a table or wall, where we see nothing.  Add into the mix the distractions of a crowded restaurant or a noisy venue.  You will see even less than nothing!  Now, try looking at the white spot again with a microscope, in a quiet laboratory like setting.  You will see millions of things, where there once appeared to be nothing at all.  That means the craziness is actually an indication that my Practice is working!

“Sometimes the mind is like an inchworm at the edge of a leaf.  One end is standing on the leaf; the other end is waving around, hoping that another leaf will come its way.  As soon as it touches the new leaf, it grabs on and lets go of the old leaf.  In other words, part of your mind may be with the breath, but another part is looking for somewhere else to go.”- Thanissaro Bhikkhu

My practice is currently at the point where I catch glimpses of the inchworm, and can even stop it, sometimes.  But, my concentration is not yet at the point where I can always catch it and stop it.  This leads me to becoming frustrated with myself and my Practice.  Due to expectations I have brought to the Path, I become impatient.


This feeds aversion and doubt for the Practice, when I don’t just see it as unskillful expectation, which I can choose to let go of.  This becomes more evident as I progress on the path, making it increasingly difficult to stay enthusiastic and motivated, when I don’t remind myself.  But, I must remind myself that my old noisy and distracted mind is the one that came up with those expectations.  So how much value do they really have towards finding true happiness?

7/16/13

Moderation



Moderaton
Noun
·        The avoidance of excess or extremes, esp. in one's behavior or political opinions.
·        The action of making something less extreme, intense, or violent.

Nothing could be more foreign to my life than moderation.  Since my years as a spoiled toddler, as my parents created a fantasy world, insulating me from our poverty, I have been extreme and intense.  Guided by smoldering passion, I have mostly brought impatience, greed, and inconsistency to what I do.  Leaving me with the task of trying to remain motivated, when experiences seem dull and flat, and that’s only when doing well!

Meditation and Uposatha have been no exception to this rule.  I have recently recovered from all sorts of unhealthy binging that took me away from observing.  But, I managed to keep up with my daily meditation Practice.  In order to do that I was forced to look deeply at what my practice was motivated by, without judgment.  That required levels of patience, generosity and courage that I didn’t even know I had in me.

Now, I am trying to return to my practice with a lighter touch.  Being careful to guard the tiny moments of joy I derive from the practice.  Constantly being vigilant of my actions, and not just to correct unskillful behavior, but also to be grateful when I do well.  For that is the very fuel of my practice, knowing that it makes me better, more skillful, brings me happiness.

Imagine that, after all these years of chasing after pleasure.  I am starting to become the very source of pleasure within myself, within my own skillful actions, and subsequent gratitude.  I just got to be careful with this whole moderation thing.  LOL! I need to be moderate in my approach to moderation.  After all, I am not going to change overnight.

5/3/13

Ear Contact



I enjoy pushing my limits in the gym, and I do just that consistently.  Today was no exception while trying to observe Uposatha, I just didn’t listen to music.  This allowed me to hear the conversations of other people.  Not that I wanted to listen to them, or the faint sounds of music in the background.  I just tried not to linger on any of it.

The music was easy, as well as most of the conversations.  Yet, there was this one fellow that was picking out all the weaknesses he could observe in anyone training intensely.  This of course is coming from someone that is lifting weights and talking at the same time.  Frankly, I think everyone is doing their best to be where they are, and I respect that.  But, why go out and pick on others weaknesses?  Let alone speak them out loud to others.

I found myself getting all worked up and angry about this one guy.  I was going to tell him off, I thought.  But, I considered, it’s Uposatha!  He is spewing all this negative energy.  Why am I feeding on it?  It’s not helping him, the person he is speaking to, or anyone else.  The unskillful fabrications in my mind were just as bad, if not worse.  So, I decided to flip it.

I decided to look for what positive elements he might have to offer that I could feed on instead.  I decided to be encouraged by the fact that he was even in a gym training at all, and I was also inspired by his youth.  I aimed to feed on that which was good and not negative.  This did not make me joyful or friendly to him.  But, it did give me back my concentration, and I was able to enjoy the rest of my workout, without saying a word to him at all.

4/18/13

Bed of Spikes



The doubt that comes up in my practice is like a soft mattress with hidden razor-sharp-spikes inside.  I enjoy the familiar look of the mattress and so I run to jump on it.  But once I land and put my weight on it, ouch!  It’s the old story of how I am simply not good enough.

During my formal sittings doubt manifests with my knees.  The more stress and doubt I bring into the meditation.  The less likely I’ll be able to sit without struggling with knee pain.  My perceptions of the knee pain give birth to aversion, and the aversion feeds the doubt.  It is like a negative loop that begins with “I can’t do this or it hurts too much” that just grows, and grows, until it really becomes too much.

Throughout the day when I am struggling to stay with my Natural Meditation practice I find that doubt arises about my ability to stay with the concentration object, my breathing.  The mind convinces me, more than half the time, to chase after sense experience and old thought patterns.  That old story again of “I am not good enough.”  Sometimes I recognize it and catch it “OH!  That’s just doubt.  Let me set that aside and try again anyway.”  Whenever I remember to do this it works!  Ah; mindfulness, indeed.

I just started taking a new course called “Faith and Doubt.”  The reflections I mentioned above are a direct result of my Teacher’s encouragement.  It just so happens that I am observing today and I will be returning with the results from my assignment as well, which you just got a sneak preview of.  I am looking forward to class tonight.  But, above all if I keep this mindfulness thing up.  I might just have what it takes to banish doubt from my mind, or better yet, sleep on a bed of spikes with no harm.  Wish me luck!

4/10/13

Art of Living



This day of Uposatha is yet another day of unlearning old habits of aversion, pushing and impatience.  Things that were once subtle and difficult to see have become (almost) unbearably clear and obvious.  I can see it in the simplest things, like how much time I meditate for and the attitude I bring to it.  Especially, the difficulty I have in being grateful for my own determination because of the joy it brings.  All these are the sirens shouting that I’m still holding to my own suffering with conceit.

It’s so easy to forget that we are not the only ones struggling, and that all this can be overcome.  That’s why it’s so important to meet with others on the path, even to read and listen to the talks of those further along.  It gives us the strength to keep going, nourishing that which is already good in us.  I don’t know where I would be today if it were not for those that contributed to my life and practice.

Many people that saw me growing up as a teen thought I’d never make it to see my 18 birthday.  Being 36 years of age today, I’ve proved them wrong.  But it was only because of the good people I kept around; just as many of the troublesome things I picked up were because of the troubled minds I kept around.  Time and time again I’ve seen the truth of this proven in my life.

The voices in the mind reflect what we keep around us.  But what we keep around us takes on many forms.  i.e. TV programs, news articles, your Facebook feed, the Internet, social media, Netflix, books, magazines, etc…  But wait, this doesn’t mean we just get rid of it all and stop living.  The practice is an art of living happily.  First we must identify that which is good around us and feed on that.  Then as we develop goodness in ourselves with some consistency we will identify naturally of our own accord what should be eliminated or developed.  This I am still working on...

4/3/13

Labyrinth



So often I have been faced with walls of silence.  Old karma writes on them with anxiety and delusion like graffiti.  I treat silence like my mortal enemy.  Worse yet, I create a labyrinth of stories with assumptions and conceit.  What in life is not uncertain?  That’s what we practice to seek.

Death is the ultimate uncertainty in life.  When will it come?  How will it feel?  Where will it lead?  But, some of us still manage to thrive within uncertainty.  Those that do, focus on what is known.  Building a foundation of truth regardless of whether it is pleasing or displeasing.  It is most often comfort and the inclination to seek it that betrays.

Yet, we cannot live without knowing any pleasure at all.  This is why virtue, gratitude and the joys of wholesome concentration are vital to anyone on the path.  I’ve spent so much time taking joy in painful things; I am still unraveling old stubborn habits.  Changing my tendency to clutch and hold pain, by learning to stay within the body and get out of the head.

I am facing many uncertainties during this day of Uposatha.  Ironic, as my practice improves I see more of what I fear in myself.  But my practice did not create this labyrinth.  My practice has only shown it to me, and how I create it.  Slowly I let the wisdom accumulate to discern how to dismantle it. Being grateful for my honesty and determination along the way.

3/26/13

Puppet Master



The five senses are the windows or bridges to experiencing the world of sights, sounds, scents, tastes, and tactile sensations around us.  Yet, what of the world of thoughts and feelings within us that cannot be grasped through the five senses?  What about the mind and the heart?  I find the mind is the home of thoughts or opinions.  While the heart is the home of what is known and felt as timeless facts.

Imagine a puppet master’s strings connecting all of your five senses to your heart.  The tendency of an untrained mind is to cover what is already known within the heart with illusions.  A trained mind remains in touch with the heart, not allowing for anything to cover it.  So, who is the one in control of your heart or senses?  Could the pains you feel within your heart or mind be avoided?

The senses themselves are only conduits or channels for the world to be experienced by the mind and felt by the heart.  You can’t be controlled by your TV.  But you are definitely conditioned by what you consume from it.  “You are what you eat,” as they say.  So the experiences we favor, we choose.  And what we choose conditions what we are.  So, who is the one doing all that choosing?  Well, in an untrained mind, who the HELL knows??!!  This is the reason why we must Practice.

Practicing, as I understand it, will bring about the hearts ability to do what makes us happy.  Achieving such an excellent and pure state of happiness is the very foundation of noble discernment.  That can cut the puppet masters strings all together!  This does not mean we cannot still experience the world.  On the contrary, this is true freedom!!  This is the only time we can truly experience the world without being controlled by it, or have a need to control it.

3/19/13

Talking



Most people love to talk.  And their favorite subject tends to be, themselves.  I am guilty of this, truly!  There is nothing wrong with this, except when it gets in the way of the Practice.  “If you can’t control your mouth, how will you control your mind?”  It is after all the fourth precept.

Yet, in today’s digital age of social networks, and blogs (like this) talking is not only done with the mouth.  It is done with a keyboard as well.  And even if we convince ourselves we are talking about enlightening things, or nirvana itself.  How much talk about practicing does it take to practice?  Better yet, how much talk of practicing can you do before it distracts you from Practicing?

I will be the first to admit that I have a problem with idle chatter, among other things.  I can tell when I’ve been using FB too much because my meditations become littered with anxious thinking and restlessness.  That’s if they allow me to show any interest in my meditation at all!  Although, the thoughts maybe about useful things, they are not serving me to achieve the goal of why I am sitting, besides, if they are really that important.  They will be their when I’m done. 

The Buddha divided actions into two types: those imbued with renunciation and skillfulness, and those imbued with greed and aversion.  This is hard to see in the way we use speech with others.  But it is even harder and more subtle to see with the way we use speech on ourselves.  In fact it will be impossible for anyone to attain a noble state of concentration without talking to themselves skillfully.  But before you delete your FB or Blog, remember, that you can come into your body, and breath.  What is the mind like?  How does the breath feel?  Are your verbal actions imbued with love?  We need to learn how to talk skillfully.  But in order to do that we must be willing to make some mistakes.  How else will we learn?

3/5/13

Knock! Knock!


My father is very dear to me.  He died when I was only fifteen years old.  I watched him wither away from the strong hard working man he was, to a bed ridden vegetable!  Cancer claimed my father’s life, but his sense of humor and mind went first.  I watched the most courageous man I knew clinging to any identity he could find, as death came knocking.

Seeing my father this way began my initiation into the spiritual.  As my adolescent eyes saw my father greeting the pain of Separation, Old age, Illness and Death.  I needed to know what the point of all this suffering was.  I thought of how I could prepare to greet such pain.  However, as a young misguided teen, surrounded by poverty, (like most here) I turned to the streets for answers.  But I only found misery, and more questions.

To find such answers we must be honest, and willing to see how we lie to ourselves.  Allowing the stories we’ve told ourselves to unravel, to uncover the truth.  This is most threatening, most terrifying, and most liberating.  This I find to be the reason why most will not sit and meditate.  They have grown attached to the great stories they’ve told themselves, which meditation brings up to the surface.  I know this, because I see it in myself.

That is why this Practice is so important.  Why I must have quiet time to myself.  So that I may ask myself “what am I becoming as the days and nights go by?”  My practice feels like it's bringing me closer to peace.  Increasing myself worth, allowing me to see myself and all my flaws with courage.  I am still a work in progress.  But progress is a good thing.  So, will I have the courage to greet death undisturbed?  I don’t know.

KNOCK! KNOCK!
“Who’s there?”
“The Conceit-”
“The Conceit Who?”
“The Conceit, I Am.”

2/25/13

The Last Samurai


This busy world makes it difficult to calm my busy mind.  That goes against the values of a society that doesn’t want to see itself clearly.  A world infected by wrong views, wrong effort, and wrong everything down the line.  Encouraging me to live within suffering, until, I found my way to the Practice.

Concentration, healthy renunciation, and holding to precepts are difficult to see as a gift when the world around me says otherwise.  Yet, such efforts when properly tuned and tailored to suit, allow for quiet and clear seeing.  That’s when the “Consumer” can see itself feeding, and reflect on the affects of various unhealthy types of food.  Renunciation also gives the “Producer” a chance to create healthy food for the mind, since no other food is available.  Then, when we reflect carefully on any healthy results achieved with appreciative-joy, we begin to incline the mind to new and healthy grooves.

Unfortunately, the “Producer” and “Consumer” within my mind have been doing battle as if Samurai in Feudal Japan for decades.  They’ve been lost within the jungles of my personal narratives, where the “Producer” creates rotten food that the “Consumer” sucks up like a vacuum, only to increase in hunger and thirst.  My challenge is to bring this all to light, forgivingly, and without judgment.  Since the warriors have simply been doing what they’ve been trained to do, by a mind that thought such actions would bring about happiness.

In fact the “Producer” and “Consumer” of my mind are like parts of a Samurai sword.  Picture the “Producer” as the handle, and the “Consumer” as the blade.  Virtue keeps the blade clean and the handle comfortable for gripping.  Concentration keeps the spotless blade sharp, and ready to cut through the defilements of ignorance with Discernment.  Anyone can retrain the mind through Practice.  Until the warriors in the mind become one.

2/18/13

Dancing with the Devil


I've been sitting with the question "how can I change the way I live?"  I try not to think about it or answer it.  Since, that would be coming from the same thinking-mind that I'm trying to change.  Instead, I just bring the question into view just before I drop it, and focus on my breathing.

I have a long history of substance abuse.  It's easy to be good when you avoid triggers.
Valentines day weekend just past, I'm still single, and my life is not where I'd like it to be.  Plenty of fresh and raw reasons to beat myself up.

The opportunity to embrace old demons manifested itself.  I didn't ask the devil to leave.  But I didn't feed him or ask him to stay.  Such is the gift of Right effort in my Practice.

Observing Uposatha has been a testing ground for new and improved versions of my life.  I learn things about myself whenever I accept the challenge.  Then, I try to bring these things into my daily life.  Sometimes without even realizing.  So, when the devil showed up in my mind, we danced with the breath.  Until he left tired and hungry, while I was rested and well fed.

2/10/13

The Observer



There are many voices in my head.  I divided them into four main characters to help me understand them and to assist with performances.  Actually their only three main committee members, since one does not speak at all.  He simply observes the committee leaders and their subtle membership base in action.

“El Rojo” is symbolic of lust and craving for sensual pleasures.  He lives in a state of hunger in search for the next fix of pleasure.  He is a strong dominant voice that enjoys provoking lust in others.  To counter act him I try investigating his view of pleasure to see if there is suffering within it.

“Mr. Grey” is symbolic of all that can provoke aversion, hatred, disliking and everything in-between.  He lives within constant agitation and is prone to violence.  Yet, his true nature is submissive.  I counter act him with thoughts of good will and metta.

“El Negro” is symbolic of all that is spiritual within me.  He lives to seek balance and peace.  He has made it his mission to make peace between “El Rojo” and “Mr. Grey.”  His challenge is to not lose himself in helping others.  Meditation serves to help him.

“The Observer” is the silent committee member.  He does not get involved in any arguments or disputes.  He participates only by watching.  The only challenge with him is to stay connected to him.  Renunciation and observing Uposatha assists with that.

2/4/13

Fire



My practice is working, that I know for sure, just as surely as I know that I still got a long way to go.  Subtle movements in my mind that I could not see before are becoming visible.  But, I still get trapped and bullied by old karma.  Last week old unskillful fabrications arose as a means to cope with (the lower back injury I mentioned) pain.  Well, the pain has gotten better, but I can still feel strong urges to deal with it unskillfully.

The mountain of unskillful habits, thoughts and old karma get bigger whenever I indulge them.  In that same vein they also get smaller whenever I confront them.  I know this and have seen it clearly manifest in my life, even before I started meditating.  However, old habits die hard, and I barely managed to observe even a modified version of Uposatha.  I focused on problem areas and loosened my grip on others.

I walk into a Bodega in the Bronx.  It’s around 5pm and I was on my way to Sunday night meditation class, which is just to say that I was feeling really contemplative and I was focusing on pleasant sensations in the body.  All as I walk into a somewhat hectic environment; the yells of various people demanding orders, the worker behind the deli trying to keep up, and the aroma of various different delicious Latin dishes.  All I wanted was a cup of coffee, and I was in a bit of a rush, I didn’t want to be late considering that I signed up to help out on Sunday nights.  But, I noticed a lady quietly trying to make up her mind about what she wanted to eat.  Twice she paused indecisively, as others came behind me and yelled out their orders.  The third time was enough.  I decided it was time for me to yell out for a cup of coffee.  “RRRRRoar!  Why can’t you just wait and let me figure out what I want!?!!”  The lady turned red like a tomato, it was clear that she was very-very angry.

Suddenly, I felt as if my head had turned into flames, it spread quickly all over my body.  I was all tied up in knots with my entire body in flames!  I could not find any spot in my body to feel a pleasant sensation.  The only thing on my mind were the words “Who the HELL do YOU think you are yelling at!?”  But, I decided to have compassion for myself instead.  It felt natural to do so, and it gave me enough space to let anger breathe.  Clearly I had felt attacked, and I was becoming angry.  Seconds past by and they felt like an eternity.  Just as I started to find a comfortable spot of breathe sensation in the belly.  The lady repeated herself in her loudest and angriest voice.  I fixated on the tiniest little spot of neutral sensation as my mind, body and the entire room with everyone in it was on fire.  A few seconds later, I was back in the room, the lady was paying me no mind, and my coffee was ready.

1/26/13

Mara



My weekend was filled with pain/difficulty.  But that is only 1/3 of any experience.  There is also (1/3)pleasure/ease, and (1/3)neither-pleasure-nor-pain.  The problem is that I’ve spent the majority of my life clutching and labeling pain.  So it is the first one to jump out at attention based upon my old Karma.

I hurt my back doing “Deadlifts” with less than proper form last week.  I always find that when I am going through anything painful, I am more likely to reach and cling to sense pleasure.  That means I consumed allot of junk this weekend, among other unhealthy things.  But I did manage to hold my commitment to observe Uposatha on Saturday.

Uposatha day also happened to be the day I visited an old friend that is not Buddhist.  It also turns out that we had a third guest join us, Mara was present.  My friend was swimming in old habits that I no longer engage, and he was desperately trying to reach out to me.  I had to be very careful to be firm in my precepts and not get pulled under.  The challenge served to do two things.  It proved to me that I can confront old demons and be an example to others of how valuable it is to be true.

Well, I don’t think I’ll be visiting my old friend for awhile, not unless our time is very structured and preplanned.  I think it also helped that I was observing when I met up with him.  So, although my weekend was filled with pain and difficulties, that was not the whole of my experience.  I did battle with Mara this weekend, and while I didn’t win every battle.  I won the most important ones to me.

1/21/13

Perfectionist


I've made many strides with my practice. So why can't I enjoy this progress? It seems that brutal and painful effort is all my mind knows. It is no wonder that my mind is constantly moving, feeding, and/or avoiding something.

I've been retraining my cruel mind with kindness and generosity. But old painful grooves will take time and patience to fill with new values. Sometime ago as a child, I must of thought it wise to become attached to pain, instead of fearing it. But it was the fear that glued me to it in the first place.

It's very difficult to accept where I am. The perfectionist inside punishes me every step of the way. But I must say, I didn't always see I was the source of my own misery. This is a new development that compassion has helped me to achieve.

I observed a modified version of Uposatha this week. I focused on problem areas and loosened up on others. The perfectionist in me was not happy. He wants me to push to my limits all the time. But I am growing tired of short fits of practice mixed in with long breaks, where I don't practice at all. I am in this for the long haul, and as they say "what bends a little, won't break."


1/11/13

Mr. Grey



Even now as I steadily train on new values and habits, I still suffer.  Very old Karmic seeds that I’ve consistently planted and nurtured begin to ripen.  I try with great difficulty to find wholesome pleasure within, as a cruel thief comes to steal it away.  He is the antagonist of all the healthy narratives within my mind.

Mr. Grey is a character that I created to personify my own mental experiences with aversion.  He is the character that I sometimes use in performances to entertain, and frighten the audience.  He is everything I don’t like about the world, and myself.  More terrifying still, he was born out of the joy I often find myself taking, when I cause myself suffering.

Meditation and observing Uposatha has forced me to take a long hard look at what I had for so many years avoided.  I just couldn't believe or admit that the reason I was suffering was because I had become friendly with being cruel to myself.  Picture trying to make sure you don’t suffer from a headache, by hitting yourself in the head with a sledgehammer instead!

Teacher has me cultivating skillful pleasure within, by creating new values to replace old ones.  I can sense it’s starting to work, and my life is improving as a result.  But Mr. Grey has me pushing “More-more, faster-faster.”  When that happens (like it has been all day today) I just notice that inclination, try to replace it with a skillful one, or just have compassion for myself.  After all, there is no one else to blame but me.  Yet, that also means the power to change lives in me!

1/4/13

Raistlin


When I was growing up I was exposed to old school (pencil and paper) Role-Playing Games, or RPG’s.  I remember my brother telling me stories about a fictional character from a book called Dragonlance.  He was a physically weak character that usually had his burly brother protect him.  However, Raistlin, as the character was called, eventually became the most powerful magic user in the series.

There were many things that made Dragonlance interesting to me.  The most significant to this passage was Raistlin’s eyes.  He had hourglass shaped pupils that would only allow him to see living beings in a state of decomposition!  This was part of the price he had to pay to achieve such incredible power.

Although I don’t have any interest in magic or ruling the universe, I do aim to conquer my own defilements.  I have been on a roll with seeing the body “with both eyes” since I last observed Uposatha.  Today as I was observing (a day before the calendar date) I started to see the act itself as a game.  This caused me to eventually remember Raistlin and the stories my brother told me as a child.

Surely if I had hourglass eyes, I wouldn’t need any reminders on the teachings of impermanence.  But I am not a fictional character in a story.  I’m also really glad I don’t have to see everyone in a constant state of decay.  Instead, the effort and mindfulness I put into my practice will give me unimaginable power over myself.  Allowing me to relate to our world “with both eyes” and arms open.