Hunger

I have been feeling a bit happier and ready to face the world this week.  So I started training in the gym again.  And I also decided to try and observe Uposatha.  But perhaps I’d set too many goals for myself.  But that was not about to stop me from trying.

Fasting is an important part of observing Uposatha, which is already hard for me to do without building an appetite in the gym.  I’ve always thought of myself of being at my most centered when I can manage my hunger for food.  Picture me like a bodybuilding Buddha walking a tightrope, while I flex my muscles along the way.  I smile and wink at you, just before I fall.

I did well (torturing myself) the whole entire day.  I just could not manage to hold the day gently and I kept grinding through the hunger pains.  But I didn’t touch a bite of food.  Then, I went to bed and fell asleep.  Sure enough, I started dreaming about food.  Hmm the smell of fried chicken and French fries dancing on my tongue like a ballerina. 

At this point it’s about 1am and I am obsessing over food.  I just could not hold it anymore.  I decided that the most compassionate thing to do was to go out and buy something to eat.  Ah!  I will live to try again next week.

Turtle Shells Are Forgiveness

Do you know where happiness comes from?  How do you know when you’re feeling it?  Where do you feel it?  Think back to a moment in time when you had no doubt you were happy.  For me that was when my father was alive and well.  Those were the days that my brother and I were just small children.  And my only concern was how to cure boredom.

I was recently taking a class on Metta where my Teacher asked us to try and think of such a moment.  I struggled for weeks to no avail.  Then during one profound moment, I felt something.  But it did not have a glimmer of joyfulness in it!  No.  Instead, I felt like I had been swallowed up by a mountain of grief that I could not escape.  Then, as if that were not enough.  I got hit with violent waves of angry tsunamis that still have not subsided to this day.  It is the reason I still keep hitting bottom, and the very reason why I’ve been having difficulty sitting on the cushion.  Let alone observe Uposatha.

Metta is a practice that allows us to feel happiness and joy within the body.  In a place we call the heart center.  But my heart has been dead for almost 20 years.  I killed it before my father died as a dysfunctional coping mechanism.  Now I will need to slowly revive it through concentration practice before I am to feel any profound levels of happiness again.  I need to grieve, heal, and learn to sit with all these bottled up emotions.  I’d even reach out to a therapist if I had insurance.  (But that is another story all together.)

I am afraid to be human, afraid to feel.  I am afraid of being vulnerable.  This may be hard to believe considering that I am an artist and a fairly good performer that has no problem on a stage.  But those are feelings that don’t deal with my fundamental fears of life, death and machismo.  To get over this rut I will need to build up the courage slowly, forgive myself, and my father for being human.  Like my Teacher often says “it is the turtle that wins this race not the hare.”

Rainbow

All people wish to feel their hearts fulfilled.  All actions we take are governed by this fact, regardless of where they might lead.  Most hearts are covered up with layer-upon-layer of experiences and associations.  Making it extremely difficult to judge what will satisfy the heart.

We (myself included) have forgotten how to feel joy.  Paying close attention to what makes us smile uncovers such treasure.  But it is not always clear, or what we THINK will make us happy.  Most times it is the very thinking that covers the heart up, making the truth anything but obvious.

I often find myself chasing behind pleasure or running from pain.  Sometimes I can feel the unhappiness within my own actions, which seem to produce instant gratification.  But that gratification is a window to more hunger, more thirst, and more pain.  That always leaves me worse off than how I started. 

Life should be fulfilling, satisfying, and so should my practice.  Since, I only do the same things I do in life within my meditations.  It is after all the same mind that may grind through experiences or feel joy within them.  I didn’t observe Uposatha this past week, and I have not meditated for the past few days either.

I feel like I’m circling around something very important that I must face emotionally.  I am building up the courage to confront it.  Is their gold at the end of the rainbow?  Maybe… But there is definitely wealth to accumulate along the way.