Fire

My practice is working, that I know for sure, just as surely as I know that I still got a long way to go.  Subtle movements in my mind that I could not see before are becoming visible.  But, I still get trapped and bullied by old karma.  Last week old unskillful fabrications arose as a means to cope with (the lower back injury I mentioned) pain.  Well, the pain has gotten better, but I can still feel strong urges to deal with it unskillfully.

The mountain of unskillful habits, thoughts and old karma get bigger whenever I indulge them.  In that same vein they also get smaller whenever I confront them.  I know this and have seen it clearly manifest in my life, even before I started meditating.  However, old habits die hard, and I barely managed to observe even a modified version of Uposatha.  I focused on problem areas and loosened my grip on others.

I walk into a Bodega in the Bronx.  It’s around 5pm and I was on my way to Sunday night meditation class, which is just to say that I was feeling really contemplative and I was focusing on pleasant sensations in the body.  All as I walk into a somewhat hectic environment; the yells of various people demanding orders, the worker behind the deli trying to keep up, and the aroma of various different delicious Latin dishes.  All I wanted was a cup of coffee, and I was in a bit of a rush, I didn’t want to be late considering that I signed up to help out on Sunday nights.  But, I noticed a lady quietly trying to make up her mind about what she wanted to eat.  Twice she paused indecisively, as others came behind me and yelled out their orders.  The third time was enough.  I decided it was time for me to yell out for a cup of coffee.  “RRRRRoar!  Why can’t you just wait and let me figure out what I want!?!!”  The lady turned red like a tomato, it was clear that she was very-very angry.

Suddenly, I felt as if my head had turned into flames, it spread quickly all over my body.  I was all tied up in knots with my entire body in flames!  I could not find any spot in my body to feel a pleasant sensation.  The only thing on my mind were the words “Who the HELL do YOU think you are yelling at!?”  But, I decided to have compassion for myself instead.  It felt natural to do so, and it gave me enough space to let anger breathe.  Clearly I had felt attacked, and I was becoming angry.  Seconds past by and they felt like an eternity.  Just as I started to find a comfortable spot of breathe sensation in the belly.  The lady repeated herself in her loudest and angriest voice.  I fixated on the tiniest little spot of neutral sensation as my mind, body and the entire room with everyone in it was on fire.  A few seconds later, I was back in the room, the lady was paying me no mind, and my coffee was ready.