Mara

My weekend was filled with pain/difficulty.  But that is only 1/3 of any experience.  There is also (1/3)pleasure/ease, and (1/3)neither-pleasure-nor-pain.  The problem is that I’ve spent the majority of my life clutching and labeling pain.  So it is the first one to jump out at attention based upon my old Karma.

I hurt my back doing “Deadlifts” with less than proper form last week.  I always find that when I am going through anything painful, I am more likely to reach and cling to sense pleasure.  That means I consumed allot of junk this weekend, among other unhealthy things.  But I did manage to hold my commitment to observe Uposatha on Saturday.

Uposatha day also happened to be the day I visited an old friend that is not Buddhist.  It also turns out that we had a third guest join us, Mara was present.  My friend was swimming in old habits that I no longer engage, and he was desperately trying to reach out to me.  I had to be very careful to be firm in my precepts and not get pulled under.  The challenge served to do two things.  It proved to me that I can confront old demons and be an example to others of how valuable it is to be true.

Well, I don’t think I’ll be visiting my old friend for awhile, not unless our time is very structured and preplanned.  I think it also helped that I was observing when I met up with him.  So, although my weekend was filled with pain and difficulties, that was not the whole of my experience.  I did battle with Mara this weekend, and while I didn’t win every battle.  I won the most important ones to me.

Perfectionist

I've made many strides with my practice. So why can't I enjoy this progress? It seems that brutal and painful effort is all my mind knows. It is no wonder that my mind is constantly moving, feeding, and/or avoiding something.

I've been retraining my cruel mind with kindness and generosity. But old painful grooves will take time and patience to fill with new values. Sometime ago as a child, I must of thought it wise to become attached to pain, instead of fearing it. But it was the fear that glued me to it in the first place.

It's very difficult to accept where I am. The perfectionist inside punishes me every step of the way. But I must say, I didn't always see I was the source of my own misery. This is a new development that compassion has helped me to achieve.

I observed a modified version of Uposatha this week. I focused on problem areas and loosened up on others. The perfectionist in me was not happy. He wants me to push to my limits all the time. But I am growing tired of short fits of practice mixed in with long breaks, where I don't practice at all. I am in this for the long haul, and as they say "what bends a little, won't break."

Mr. Grey

Even now as I steadily train on new values and habits, I still suffer.  Very old Karmic seeds that I’ve consistently planted and nurtured begin to ripen.  I try with great difficulty to find wholesome pleasure within, as a cruel thief comes to steal it away.  He is the antagonist of all the healthy narratives within my mind.

Mr. Grey is a character that I created to personify my own mental experiences with aversion.  He is the character that I sometimes use in performances to entertain, and frighten the audience.  He is everything I don’t like about the world, and myself.  More terrifying still, he was born out of the joy I often find myself taking, when I cause myself suffering.

Meditation and observing Uposatha has forced me to take a long hard look at what I had for so many years avoided.  I just couldn't believe or admit that the reason I was suffering was because I had become friendly with being cruel to myself.  Picture trying to make sure you don’t suffer from a headache, by hitting yourself in the head with a sledgehammer instead!

Teacher has me cultivating skillful pleasure within, by creating new values to replace old ones.  I can sense it’s starting to work, and my life is improving as a result.  But Mr. Grey has me pushing “More-more, faster-faster.”  When that happens (like it has been all day today) I just notice that inclination, try to replace it with a skillful one, or just have compassion for myself.  After all, there is no one else to blame but me.  Yet, that also means the power to change lives in me!

Raistlin

When I was growing up I was exposed to old school (pencil and paper) Role-Playing Games, or RPG’s.  I remember my brother telling me stories about a fictional character from a book called Dragonlance.  He was a physically weak character that usually had his burly brother protect him.  However, Raistlin, as the character was called, eventually became the most powerful magic user in the series.

There were many things that made Dragonlance interesting to me.  The most significant to this passage was Raistlin’s eyes.  He had hourglass shaped pupils that would only allow him to see living beings in a state of decomposition!  This was part of the price he had to pay to achieve such incredible power.

Although I don’t have any interest in magic or ruling the universe, I do aim to conquer my own defilements.  I have been on a roll with seeing the body “with both eyes” since I last observed Uposatha.  Today as I was observing (a day before the calendar date) I started to see the act itself as a game.  This caused me to eventually remember Raistlin and the stories my brother told me as a child.

Surely if I had hourglass eyes, I wouldn’t need any reminders on the teachings of impermanence.  But I am not a fictional character in a story.  I’m also really glad I don’t have to see everyone in a constant state of decay.  Instead, the effort and mindfulness I put into my practice will give me unimaginable power over myself.  Allowing me to relate to our world “with both eyes” and arms open.