Enviro-mental

My entire life I have been surrounded by patriarchal values.  Starting with a vision and story about the creation of all things coming from a “man” they call God.  Then, I was conditioned by culture, language, education and even food.  I am from the land where cat calls and urine dominate every street corner.

The world is filled with contradictions and lies.  Examples like parking lots at bars and killing in the name of god come to mind.  Furthermore, considering biology, and women, I’d think (if I subscribed to theories of creation) that the creator/universe is a woman, and all the rocks within her are the men.  After all, the world I was raised in was clearly shaped and led by my mother.

All this is to say that gawking and paying close attention to a woman’s physical beauty is all but a hallmark of a male’s coming of age.  It wasn’t until I started practicing and observing Uposatha that I truly became aware of my own preoccupation with the body in general.  A form of suffering that is second only to breathing for most.

This week I observed a modified version of Uposatha.  I gave less attention to things like when I ate, and whether I used lotion, etc…  I focused more on my mental actions.  I tried “looking with both eyes” as the Ajahns’ would say.  Whenever I came across physical beauty I reflected on both the internal and external body parts that inspire disgust.  I’ll leave the examples to your imagination.  Needless to say this Buddhist technique works; it allows me to appreciate a woman as a human being.

Well, I’ll never be perfect.  And my awareness still tends to flow out behind any beautiful woman like a flock of birds flying south for the winter.  But whenever I remember - - AH!  I feel a slow ever so subtle shift in my consciousness, and the women of the world don’t stop being beautiful.  I just start realizing women have more to offer, as do men that put their minds to it.  Let’s be clear, I am a product of my environment.  But I have the final decision on what that product will be. 

Perception

Awareness typically gets washed away by pleasure, or crushed by pain.  Vicious are the tsunamis and earthquakes of the mind.  Nothing comes close to what we can do with our own perception.  How does one person greet death with humor, while another is terrified?  Any experience we have had, or will have is subject to perception.  Without a mind the senses are just empty holes.

I remember hearing a story about a little girl that never had shoes in her life.  When she got them for her birthday, she was more excited about being old enough to walk miles each way to fetch water for her family.  She was so proud and happy to be useful to her family that lives in squalor.  While most children her age in the states don’t appreciate their parents buying them the latest Jordan’s.  Let alone walk miles to fetch water.

But before you go beat your kids up, and take away their new sporty shoes.  Take a moment to realize that the most powerful thing you will ever experience is your own mind.  It is what allows us to know things and appreciate things.  Let’s not allow this wonderful precious mind to become a burden, or worse, a bully.

I’ve lived with a bully in my mind for most of my adult life.  It is the very reason I came to this practice to find salvation from my own self imposed suffering.  But it wasn’t until I started making progress on the path that it really started to hurt.  Observing Uposatha was pure agony.  Since, it gave the bully no place to hide.  Nothing to keep me distracted from the horrible things I do to myself moment to moment.

I had to finally recognize that my old karma was tied up with terrible values, the habit of taking joy in beating myself up.  Yet, my old karma is not going to go away overnight.  But every moment I begin to beat myself up, I can make a choice, a change for the better.  I can be compassionate to myself.  But in order to see this, I had to take a really hard look at myself.  I was both my own best friend and worst enemy.  The question is simple.  Which values will I feed?

I observed Uposatha yesterday, and I did pretty good being compassionate with myself.  I didn’t catch every inclination to beat myself up.  But the moments I did catch, I reflected on what a blessing it was to do so.  For only through gratitude, patience and compassion can I find shelter from my own self imposed suffering.

Flashlight

You wouldn’t use a flashlight the wrong way.  It’s always clear that the light should be pointed at what needs to be seen.  If you don’t do it right you will remain in the dark.  Stumble, hit your big toe and hopefully not fall.  Ouch!  Talk about needless stress and suffering.  Turn the darn thing on and point it at where you are going.

If only it were that easy with the mind.  Our attention is always flying around all over the place.  We look for happiness in things, and we don’t pay enough attention to our own intentions, actions or results.  It is human to make mistakes.  But why do we always repeat them?  Why can’t the mind stay?

Thinking is the most delicious thing I’ve ever done.  I am addicted to it.  And it’s very difficult to catch myself when my mind wanders, since I like doing so.  And have been for a long time.  If only it were like a flashlight so that I can turn it off when I don’t want to think.  But the mind is not a battery driven machine.

The mind is driven in the present by what we have been inclined to value in the past.  And whenever a given phenomena comes up again we either change our values, or continue to support old ones.  The mind might seem to randomly jump, but there is nothing random about it.  Whatever you are experiencing in your mind this moment, is what you’ve trained in.  So, what exactly are we training in?

Yesterday I observed Uposatha.  I hit just about every note I promised myself I would, with many mistakes in between.  But I kept at it.  My mind is addicted to thinking, and that became unmistakably clear yesterday as I tried to focus on breathing.  But I took joy in my past and present efforts to practice.  That fueled me with the desire to get through the difficult moments of anxiety and thinking.  I might still be walking around in the dark.  But I know where the flashlight is.  And I intend to turn it on, and around, “little by slowly.”

NOTE:  It definitely pays off to pay a visit to the wise folks you know walking the same way.  It helped me!  It always helps me.
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I Don't Like ...

 



It has been a long time that I have not written about my practice or Uposatha.  Sorry, I’ve just been really-really busy, not liking myself.  But I am not writing this now seeking sympathy or pity.  It is actually quite liberating to recognize that my biggest problem in life has been myself.  Ironically, the one thing in this world that I can control is also the most troubling.

My happiest memories live in a past that will never return.  I still subconsciously hold them and reject making new ones.  The lessons of the inevitability of change and separation did not come to me until much later in life.  And by then, I had already thoroughly trained myself on how to numb the pain.  Now I must undo this state of blind and painful equanimity.

There is a difference between being dispassionate from reaching the Buddhist goal of release, and being passionate about beating yourself up to stay numb.  The ultimate goal that any human can reach cannot be compared to the later.  But before I get on a roll beating myself up, let me point out that there is an allure to doing so.  I’ve grown familiar and comfortable with my internalized sadomasochism.

Meditation makes it impossible to ignore that this needs to change.  Let alone giving myself the gift of renunciation during Uposatha.  So, I’ve not had the strength to observe in a while.  It has been hard enough to hold onto my daily practice.  All of which became clear to me the moment I admitted, I don’t like myself.

A fact that can change by doing good things and not just the kind that make you feel good in the moment.  I mean those that require sacrifice now, so that later we can meet the unknown with courage and strength.  I am not perfect, and I never will be.  But that’s ok.  I only need to be kind, not perfect, to be happy forever.

Hunger

I have been feeling a bit happier and ready to face the world this week.  So I started training in the gym again.  And I also decided to try and observe Uposatha.  But perhaps I’d set too many goals for myself.  But that was not about to stop me from trying.

Fasting is an important part of observing Uposatha, which is already hard for me to do without building an appetite in the gym.  I’ve always thought of myself of being at my most centered when I can manage my hunger for food.  Picture me like a bodybuilding Buddha walking a tightrope, while I flex my muscles along the way.  I smile and wink at you, just before I fall.

I did well (torturing myself) the whole entire day.  I just could not manage to hold the day gently and I kept grinding through the hunger pains.  But I didn’t touch a bite of food.  Then, I went to bed and fell asleep.  Sure enough, I started dreaming about food.  Hmm the smell of fried chicken and French fries dancing on my tongue like a ballerina. 

At this point it’s about 1am and I am obsessing over food.  I just could not hold it anymore.  I decided that the most compassionate thing to do was to go out and buy something to eat.  Ah!  I will live to try again next week.

Turtle Shells Are Forgiveness

Do you know where happiness comes from?  How do you know when you’re feeling it?  Where do you feel it?  Think back to a moment in time when you had no doubt you were happy.  For me that was when my father was alive and well.  Those were the days that my brother and I were just small children.  And my only concern was how to cure boredom.

I was recently taking a class on Metta where my Teacher asked us to try and think of such a moment.  I struggled for weeks to no avail.  Then during one profound moment, I felt something.  But it did not have a glimmer of joyfulness in it!  No.  Instead, I felt like I had been swallowed up by a mountain of grief that I could not escape.  Then, as if that were not enough.  I got hit with violent waves of angry tsunamis that still have not subsided to this day.  It is the reason I still keep hitting bottom, and the very reason why I’ve been having difficulty sitting on the cushion.  Let alone observe Uposatha.

Metta is a practice that allows us to feel happiness and joy within the body.  In a place we call the heart center.  But my heart has been dead for almost 20 years.  I killed it before my father died as a dysfunctional coping mechanism.  Now I will need to slowly revive it through concentration practice before I am to feel any profound levels of happiness again.  I need to grieve, heal, and learn to sit with all these bottled up emotions.  I’d even reach out to a therapist if I had insurance.  (But that is another story all together.)

I am afraid to be human, afraid to feel.  I am afraid of being vulnerable.  This may be hard to believe considering that I am an artist and a fairly good performer that has no problem on a stage.  But those are feelings that don’t deal with my fundamental fears of life, death and machismo.  To get over this rut I will need to build up the courage slowly, forgive myself, and my father for being human.  Like my Teacher often says “it is the turtle that wins this race not the hare.”

Rainbow

All people wish to feel their hearts fulfilled.  All actions we take are governed by this fact, regardless of where they might lead.  Most hearts are covered up with layer-upon-layer of experiences and associations.  Making it extremely difficult to judge what will satisfy the heart.

We (myself included) have forgotten how to feel joy.  Paying close attention to what makes us smile uncovers such treasure.  But it is not always clear, or what we THINK will make us happy.  Most times it is the very thinking that covers the heart up, making the truth anything but obvious.

I often find myself chasing behind pleasure or running from pain.  Sometimes I can feel the unhappiness within my own actions, which seem to produce instant gratification.  But that gratification is a window to more hunger, more thirst, and more pain.  That always leaves me worse off than how I started. 

Life should be fulfilling, satisfying, and so should my practice.  Since, I only do the same things I do in life within my meditations.  It is after all the same mind that may grind through experiences or feel joy within them.  I didn’t observe Uposatha this past week, and I have not meditated for the past few days either.

I feel like I’m circling around something very important that I must face emotionally.  I am building up the courage to confront it.  Is their gold at the end of the rainbow?  Maybe… But there is definitely wealth to accumulate along the way.

The Good, the Bad and the Ego

The closer I think I am to the goal, the farther I tend to be from it.  It’s not unusual for an ego to find its way into written words.  Considering that I am still struggling to find my way to the path that leads to freedom.  I say this knowing that last week I spoke about confidence as if it were something I had plenty of.  When I am only certain I lack it.

Strength, what is my strength?  I want to say that I’m disciplined and intelligent.  But it is just as likely that these are my weaknesses as well.  Weakness, what is my weakness?  I am perhaps too rigid and extreme in my application of discipline.  Even more important is that my mind likes to convince me that I know it all, and it’s quite clever at accomplishing this. 

What does this all mean?  That I am lost?  I already knew that.  But it is good to be reminded of it.  For then the side of my brain that likes to deceive won’t take me too far away from the path I wish to walk.  This is why it is crucial to have companions walking the same path.  This way we can reach out to them and be reminded when we may have lost our way.

My intelligence tends to hide my doubt behind my ego.  And I won’t know that until I reach for it and watch it get pulled out from underneath.  That is unless I put forth an honest effort to practice.  All that effort on the cushion may bring my real weakness and strength out to the open.

My approach to Uposatha this week was modified.  I used gel, lotion, ate past noon, spent time texting on the cell and I over slept.  Yet, I managed to stay away from watching TV and chasing behind pleasure.  I even went to visit my Teacher.  Perhaps the path is not only about getting on it, but staying on it; by learning to take the good with the bad.

Confidence

Confidence is a funny thing.  Take the big bully that I live with in my mind for example.  I call him the General.  I’ve been running from him all my life.  Every time I back down from him he gets bigger and stronger.  This is how my mind works with all experiences. 

Let’s say X = any challenge we face, and Y = our reaction to it.  If Y is positive, then we must divide X by Y.  If Y is negative, then we must multiply X by Y.  However, if you flunked algebra and don’t like logic.  All that just means that whatever we run away from gets bigger every time we run.  While whatever we face gets smaller anytime we hold our own.  Yet confronting our fears is a very personal choice.  That must be done within the guidance of our very own strength and weakness.

I’ve started a regimen of 2-3 meditation sessions per day.  I feel like I could do four.  But that would be too extreme, for now.  I’ll stick to what I know I can do and build my confidence slowly.  The internal stillness of meditation is becoming wonderful again as a result. 

I am ready to stop running away from the General.  I am ready to face him.  But I will do it slowly, and with help.  I will allow myself to feel the discomfort and anxiety a little bit more each time.  Just like my Teacher Peter said I should do.

I did not observe Uposatha again this past week.  But I feel like I’m starting to miss it.  I remember feeling like it was an honor to participate in something that others I didn’t even know were doing.  Yet it is still interesting that I miss observing.  Perhaps renunciation really is a gift we give to ourselves.  Confidence certainly is!

Feeding

I must be responsible for my own wellbeing.  In a world that wishes to cash in on my being otherwise.  Our world encourages us to feed off others.  But not on the aspects that are healthy.  Instead, we aim to feed on their junk.  The empty calories of the world do nothing to nourish us.  Leaving us with the same hunger we met them with, if we are lucky.

I am definitely guilty of this.  I have always had trouble managing my weight.  I tend to lean on the heavy side.  Constantly struggling to find a balance between eating healthy and staying motivated.

It is in that struggle, that very weakness to stay lean that I find the link between mind and body.  What I feed on with my mind ultimately affects what I do with my body.  The best advertising agents are aware of this.  Just pay attention to radio, television, internet, and paper media.  Feel how the methods they employ leverage our moods to their benefit.  "Eating this is fun!  Anything else is boring.  If you don’t buy this you won’t be happy."  Etc…

We are bombarded everywhere we go with junk.  Society wants to keep us hungry, to keep us coming back.  Our hunger feeds their wealth.  But, if we had no power, no choice, they would not spend millions on trying to keep us hungry.  We always have a choice.

I did not observe Uposatha this Sunday.  Instead, I spent time making music with a friend.  I think I needed a break.  I have been struggling with many things lately.  As I am sure we all are.  Considering that life never fails to test us.

In the past I’ve been disciplined with my practice.  But I’ve also been too hard on myself, not allowing myself to find any joy in practicing.  Lately I think I’ve been trying to make up for it, being too easy on myself as a result.  I am struggling to find a balance.  In order to find balance I must be careful what I feed upon with my mind; checking to see whether it helps, or hinders me.

Rut

Imagine a bully that follows you everywhere you go, criticizing all that you do?  Anyone in their right mind would want to get rid of that guy.  Right?  Problem is the bully is you.  An injured voice from within that never had a chance to heal.

I have never felt content with myself.  I’ve always felt as though I were not good enough.  This applies to everything across the board as far back as I can remember.  My motivation has always been imbued with the intention to improve what would never be enough.

I’ve spent most of my life trying to find the source that triggered me to be hard on myself.  But I’m starting to think it’s a combination of too many variables to know them all.  However, I can still heal without knowing this.  I can train my mind to pay careful attention to what I’m doing here and now.  Since that is where I’m still causing myself stress.

I failed to observe Uposatha.  But that’s not all.  I’ve simply failed to practice.  I think I meditated 3 times since the last time I posted to this blog.  Why do I have trouble being consistent with a practice that can only help me?  Doubt, is a very funny thing.  The obvious forms of it are easy to identify.  But subtle forms of doubt are the most dangerous.  They hide behind my own intelligence, making it difficult to catch, before I fall in a rut.

I avoid meditation sessions.  Since meditation makes the voice of the bully feel amplified. Then, I start adding judgment on top of my failure.  Thinking I don’t deserve to see the very people that can help me get out of a rut.  I begin avoiding my Teacher and the community of wise people who practice.  I don’t feel worthy of their presence.

The only thing left is the chasing of pleasure.  Until there is no pleasure left to chase.  Everything becomes numb to pleasant sensations.  The only thing left is the pain of reaching, desiring and holding empty things.  Like a man dying of thirst, that has fallen in love with the taste of hot molten lava.  There is no one else to blame for my pain.  But, that also means I have the power to fix it!

Onions

Do you like onions? My life is similar to one. It doesn’t work well with every dish. But some dishes require onions. Fear, sadness and pain wrapped around a core in layers. The core is where our strength is waiting to be discovered.

I am lucky enough to have a Practice that teaches you to be skillful like a chef. There are tools we may use to approach an onion. Carefully we concentrate on, and evaluate the onion, brightening the mind as we wash it under cold water to keep from crying. Until we gently reach the center.

It’s very important to discern when we’ve had enough, or when we’ve done too little. This enables us to be moderate in our approach to things. That’s how I try to keep up my effort. Something I have a great deal of trouble with. I have a tendency to stick my nose in the onion regardless of how much it burns. Forgetting to alternate and be gentle.

I got up at 10am instead of 4am. I tried not to beat myself up about it. But the groves of harshness towards my-self run pretty deep. I started the day with 30mins of walking meditation. I read some Dhamma, and had breakfast.

I went to the gym and trained shoulders and forearms, without any music. I pushed for strength. It was pretty empty in the gym even for a Saturday morning. That made for very few distractions. I enjoyed my workout. I got back too late to eat a post workout meal. So I just washed up, and then meditated for 30mins.

I did really well observing Uposatha until the late evening. That’s when I started to sob internally within my solitude. During my last meditation I could hear the festive sounds of music as my neighbors partied.  And they partied throughout the night.

I began to stick my nose into the onion.  I turned on the internet and tried to tune out the festivities. I began to chase behind pleasure to alleviate my pain. It was too difficult at the time to see that I was causing my own pain. That’s how I spent the entire night on the internet, until sunrise. I had fallen away from my observance of Uposatha.

The only thing I had left was to notice my own suffering and try my best not to beat myself up. That would just make it worse. Sure, I had done much better last week. But I will live to try again this week. Besides, there is always another onion.

New Moon

Today is New Moon Uposatha, I will attempt to observe the 8 precepts.  Today I woke up at 4:30 am.  An extremely unusual thing for me, I might add.  Considering that I usually wake up around noon.  But this is the day I give myself the gift of renunciation, or I try to anyway.

First I washed up and drank some lemonade.  After clearing away the only non folding furniture I have, my bed.  I began to stretch, ending later with another swig of lemonade.  Then my morning chant of the 5 precepts, followed by a 30 minute meditation session.  Wait, why am I chanting the 5 precepts when I’m supposed to be following the 8 precepts?  (Can’t get anything past you huh?)  I chant the 5 because they’re the only ones I know how to chant.  Not to mention I feel better later on if I fall short of the 8.  And I can still stick to the 5.  Well, it makes sense in my head anyway.
 
After meditation I read some Dhamma.  Then, I have a small breakfast consisting of oatmeal, fruit and milk.  I wait about 15 minutes for food to settle down.  Then I head straight to the gym.

I started training my back and biceps at 7am, without my iPod.  The 7th precept requires me to leave it behind.  However, the gym did have its own music.  But they play it at such a low volume that I had more difficulty ignoring the various conversations that filled the space next to me.

I was home, showered and eating my post workout meal by 9:15am.  It is so unusual to get this much done this early; I wasn’t even sure what to do with myself after.  I decided to take a quick-nap.  That turned out to be more like sleeping, since 30mins turned into an hour.  I elected not to beat myself up about it and keep it moving.  Waking up at 4:30am is going to take some getting used to.

I was not feeling hungry so I decided to skip lunch in favor of meditating again for 30mins, then lounging with my cat.  Later I checked in with my mom and caught up on news.  My brother’s dog was more than happy to join me.  I decided to walk my brother’s dog to brighten my mind.  I could use all the help I can get, considering the difficulty in securing the mind from the pull of sensual experience.  But I’m surely not the only one.  Yet today I hold the Uposatha banner!  Making it easier for me to stay focused.  Well, sometimes.

The world does not pause to make it easier to train the mind.  Marvelously short skirts do a serenading waltz.  The scent of pastelitos of assorted Caribbean flavors calling out to me by name!  (Pastelitos are fried pastries filled with sweet or savory fillings)  I have my work cut out for me finding pleasure within, amongst all these temptations without.

I bought Aloe juice and a Citroma laxative to accompany me on my fast today.  I am not supposed to eat after noon today, until tomorrow morning.  Not to mention today will be a long day at work and I will be going back to the gym after, to do night time cardio.  I hope to end the day with a vegetable shake, an evening meditation and a Dhamma reading.  Wish me luck!