Infidelity

What is the common factor that causes people to cheat on their partner?

I trust that most will find a complex answer to this. Some venture out because of abuse, emotional or physical dissatisfaction, the excitement of something new or forbidden.  That is of course assuming the people involved are even aware of their actions at all.  I’ve heard of circumstances where they claimed it just happened unexpectedly.

I, myself, fell victim to such a case long ago.  Someone I dated had severe abandonment issues.  We had reached a VERY thoughtful level of communication, and according to her, even more satisfying physical interactions.  Yet, something within her, that I had no control over, made her feel inadequate and threatened by the world.  Unknown to me, initially, sex was a tool to ease anxiety and exercise control over the world; it was according to her “a woman’s way to feel empowered.” 

Still, as complicated as all these events might seem.  I often find myself searching for the common thread, driving trait or characteristic; something I can identify in a potential partner before trusting them.  I think that common thread lays hidden within our character flaws.  Something we all have, even those that do not cheat!  No one is perfect, indeed.  So I am left with no other choice but to trust slowly with time, hoping that my trust is well placed.  That is, if I intend to live and enjoy the company of another, I must be willing to take risks.

I can never know the contents of another’s mind.  All I can do is work on being the person I wish to attract.  Practicing integrity in all I do, continuing to work on my own short comings.  If I can’t find what I am looking for in another, then I can at least find what I am looking for within myself.

Paradox

“Am I still feeling my breath?  Oh shit!  I’ve slipped off into thinking.  This sucks!  Why the hell am I not enlightened already?  I am not good at this.  I should just give it up.  My meditation will never be perfect.  I will never be perfect.  Life will never be perfect!”  Does any of this sound familiar?  This is usually how my meditations go.  Hell!  This is usually how my life goes.  Being a perfectionist sucks!

I’ve written about being a perfectionist before.  Yet, the truth of just how much pain my striving for perfection causes is still not apparent to me.  I live in denial about it.  I blame others and point fingers for what I am doing to myself.  The world is a terrible place for a greedy-non-accepting-fanatical-perfectionist, like me.  I live in a constant reaching for what will never arrive.

There is a conceit to my greed, which obstructs me from overcoming it.  Ironic, my sense of being better than others obstructs me from seeing that I don’t ever feel I am good enough.  What would life be like if I could feel content with my accomplishments, while still striving to become better?  I really don’t know; while it is nice to improve, it is even nicer to see those improvements.

“Oh!  Be careful that is what will lead to conceit.”  I am still working through this paradox.  So, I may not be the best source of information on how to overcome it.  However, I am sure that ignoring our accomplishments will not serve to make us more humble.  If that were the case, I’d be the most humble person on this planet, and I am anything but that.