Hunger

I have been feeling a bit happier and ready to face the world this week.  So I started training in the gym again.  And I also decided to try and observe Uposatha.  But perhaps I’d set too many goals for myself.  But that was not about to stop me from trying.

Fasting is an important part of observing Uposatha, which is already hard for me to do without building an appetite in the gym.  I’ve always thought of myself of being at my most centered when I can manage my hunger for food.  Picture me like a bodybuilding Buddha walking a tightrope, while I flex my muscles along the way.  I smile and wink at you, just before I fall.

I did well (torturing myself) the whole entire day.  I just could not manage to hold the day gently and I kept grinding through the hunger pains.  But I didn’t touch a bite of food.  Then, I went to bed and fell asleep.  Sure enough, I started dreaming about food.  Hmm the smell of fried chicken and French fries dancing on my tongue like a ballerina. 

At this point it’s about 1am and I am obsessing over food.  I just could not hold it anymore.  I decided that the most compassionate thing to do was to go out and buy something to eat.  Ah!  I will live to try again next week.

Turtle Shells Are Forgiveness

Do you know where happiness comes from?  How do you know when you’re feeling it?  Where do you feel it?  Think back to a moment in time when you had no doubt you were happy.  For me that was when my father was alive and well.  Those were the days that my brother and I were just small children.  And my only concern was how to cure boredom.

I was recently taking a class on Metta where my Teacher asked us to try and think of such a moment.  I struggled for weeks to no avail.  Then during one profound moment, I felt something.  But it did not have a glimmer of joyfulness in it!  No.  Instead, I felt like I had been swallowed up by a mountain of grief that I could not escape.  Then, as if that were not enough.  I got hit with violent waves of angry tsunamis that still have not subsided to this day.  It is the reason I still keep hitting bottom, and the very reason why I’ve been having difficulty sitting on the cushion.  Let alone observe Uposatha.

Metta is a practice that allows us to feel happiness and joy within the body.  In a place we call the heart center.  But my heart has been dead for almost 20 years.  I killed it before my father died as a dysfunctional coping mechanism.  Now I will need to slowly revive it through concentration practice before I am to feel any profound levels of happiness again.  I need to grieve, heal, and learn to sit with all these bottled up emotions.  I’d even reach out to a therapist if I had insurance.  (But that is another story all together.)

I am afraid to be human, afraid to feel.  I am afraid of being vulnerable.  This may be hard to believe considering that I am an artist and a fairly good performer that has no problem on a stage.  But those are feelings that don’t deal with my fundamental fears of life, death and machismo.  To get over this rut I will need to build up the courage slowly, forgive myself, and my father for being human.  Like my Teacher often says “it is the turtle that wins this race not the hare.”

Rainbow

All people wish to feel their hearts fulfilled.  All actions we take are governed by this fact, regardless of where they might lead.  Most hearts are covered up with layer-upon-layer of experiences and associations.  Making it extremely difficult to judge what will satisfy the heart.

We (myself included) have forgotten how to feel joy.  Paying close attention to what makes us smile uncovers such treasure.  But it is not always clear, or what we THINK will make us happy.  Most times it is the very thinking that covers the heart up, making the truth anything but obvious.

I often find myself chasing behind pleasure or running from pain.  Sometimes I can feel the unhappiness within my own actions, which seem to produce instant gratification.  But that gratification is a window to more hunger, more thirst, and more pain.  That always leaves me worse off than how I started. 

Life should be fulfilling, satisfying, and so should my practice.  Since, I only do the same things I do in life within my meditations.  It is after all the same mind that may grind through experiences or feel joy within them.  I didn’t observe Uposatha this past week, and I have not meditated for the past few days either.

I feel like I’m circling around something very important that I must face emotionally.  I am building up the courage to confront it.  Is their gold at the end of the rainbow?  Maybe… But there is definitely wealth to accumulate along the way.

The Good, the Bad and the Ego

The closer I think I am to the goal, the farther I tend to be from it.  It’s not unusual for an ego to find its way into written words.  Considering that I am still struggling to find my way to the path that leads to freedom.  I say this knowing that last week I spoke about confidence as if it were something I had plenty of.  When I am only certain I lack it.

Strength, what is my strength?  I want to say that I’m disciplined and intelligent.  But it is just as likely that these are my weaknesses as well.  Weakness, what is my weakness?  I am perhaps too rigid and extreme in my application of discipline.  Even more important is that my mind likes to convince me that I know it all, and it’s quite clever at accomplishing this. 

What does this all mean?  That I am lost?  I already knew that.  But it is good to be reminded of it.  For then the side of my brain that likes to deceive won’t take me too far away from the path I wish to walk.  This is why it is crucial to have companions walking the same path.  This way we can reach out to them and be reminded when we may have lost our way.

My intelligence tends to hide my doubt behind my ego.  And I won’t know that until I reach for it and watch it get pulled out from underneath.  That is unless I put forth an honest effort to practice.  All that effort on the cushion may bring my real weakness and strength out to the open.

My approach to Uposatha this week was modified.  I used gel, lotion, ate past noon, spent time texting on the cell and I over slept.  Yet, I managed to stay away from watching TV and chasing behind pleasure.  I even went to visit my Teacher.  Perhaps the path is not only about getting on it, but staying on it; by learning to take the good with the bad.

Confidence

Confidence is a funny thing.  Take the big bully that I live with in my mind for example.  I call him the General.  I’ve been running from him all my life.  Every time I back down from him he gets bigger and stronger.  This is how my mind works with all experiences. 

Let’s say X = any challenge we face, and Y = our reaction to it.  If Y is positive, then we must divide X by Y.  If Y is negative, then we must multiply X by Y.  However, if you flunked algebra and don’t like logic.  All that just means that whatever we run away from gets bigger every time we run.  While whatever we face gets smaller anytime we hold our own.  Yet confronting our fears is a very personal choice.  That must be done within the guidance of our very own strength and weakness.

I’ve started a regimen of 2-3 meditation sessions per day.  I feel like I could do four.  But that would be too extreme, for now.  I’ll stick to what I know I can do and build my confidence slowly.  The internal stillness of meditation is becoming wonderful again as a result. 

I am ready to stop running away from the General.  I am ready to face him.  But I will do it slowly, and with help.  I will allow myself to feel the discomfort and anxiety a little bit more each time.  Just like my Teacher Peter said I should do.

I did not observe Uposatha again this past week.  But I feel like I’m starting to miss it.  I remember feeling like it was an honor to participate in something that others I didn’t even know were doing.  Yet it is still interesting that I miss observing.  Perhaps renunciation really is a gift we give to ourselves.  Confidence certainly is!

Feeding

I must be responsible for my own wellbeing.  In a world that wishes to cash in on my being otherwise.  Our world encourages us to feed off others.  But not on the aspects that are healthy.  Instead, we aim to feed on their junk.  The empty calories of the world do nothing to nourish us.  Leaving us with the same hunger we met them with, if we are lucky.

I am definitely guilty of this.  I have always had trouble managing my weight.  I tend to lean on the heavy side.  Constantly struggling to find a balance between eating healthy and staying motivated.

It is in that struggle, that very weakness to stay lean that I find the link between mind and body.  What I feed on with my mind ultimately affects what I do with my body.  The best advertising agents are aware of this.  Just pay attention to radio, television, internet, and paper media.  Feel how the methods they employ leverage our moods to their benefit.  "Eating this is fun!  Anything else is boring.  If you don’t buy this you won’t be happy."  Etc…

We are bombarded everywhere we go with junk.  Society wants to keep us hungry, to keep us coming back.  Our hunger feeds their wealth.  But, if we had no power, no choice, they would not spend millions on trying to keep us hungry.  We always have a choice.

I did not observe Uposatha this Sunday.  Instead, I spent time making music with a friend.  I think I needed a break.  I have been struggling with many things lately.  As I am sure we all are.  Considering that life never fails to test us.

In the past I’ve been disciplined with my practice.  But I’ve also been too hard on myself, not allowing myself to find any joy in practicing.  Lately I think I’ve been trying to make up for it, being too easy on myself as a result.  I am struggling to find a balance.  In order to find balance I must be careful what I feed upon with my mind; checking to see whether it helps, or hinders me.

Rut

Imagine a bully that follows you everywhere you go, criticizing all that you do?  Anyone in their right mind would want to get rid of that guy.  Right?  Problem is the bully is you.  An injured voice from within that never had a chance to heal.

I have never felt content with myself.  I’ve always felt as though I were not good enough.  This applies to everything across the board as far back as I can remember.  My motivation has always been imbued with the intention to improve what would never be enough.

I’ve spent most of my life trying to find the source that triggered me to be hard on myself.  But I’m starting to think it’s a combination of too many variables to know them all.  However, I can still heal without knowing this.  I can train my mind to pay careful attention to what I’m doing here and now.  Since that is where I’m still causing myself stress.

I failed to observe Uposatha.  But that’s not all.  I’ve simply failed to practice.  I think I meditated 3 times since the last time I posted to this blog.  Why do I have trouble being consistent with a practice that can only help me?  Doubt, is a very funny thing.  The obvious forms of it are easy to identify.  But subtle forms of doubt are the most dangerous.  They hide behind my own intelligence, making it difficult to catch, before I fall in a rut.

I avoid meditation sessions.  Since meditation makes the voice of the bully feel amplified. Then, I start adding judgment on top of my failure.  Thinking I don’t deserve to see the very people that can help me get out of a rut.  I begin avoiding my Teacher and the community of wise people who practice.  I don’t feel worthy of their presence.

The only thing left is the chasing of pleasure.  Until there is no pleasure left to chase.  Everything becomes numb to pleasant sensations.  The only thing left is the pain of reaching, desiring and holding empty things.  Like a man dying of thirst, that has fallen in love with the taste of hot molten lava.  There is no one else to blame for my pain.  But, that also means I have the power to fix it!