The closer I think I am to the goal, the farther I tend to be from it. It’s not unusual for an ego to find its way into written words. Considering that I am still struggling to find my way to the path that leads to freedom. I say this knowing that last week I spoke about confidence as if it were something I had plenty of. When I am only certain I lack it.
Strength, what is my strength? I want to say that I’m disciplined and intelligent. But it is just as likely that these are my weaknesses as well. Weakness, what is my weakness? I am perhaps too rigid and extreme in my application of discipline. Even more important is that my mind likes to convince me that I know it all, and it’s quite clever at accomplishing this.
What does this all mean? That I am lost? I already knew that. But it is good to be reminded of it. For then the side of my brain that likes to deceive won’t take me too far away from the path I wish to walk. This is why it is crucial to have companions walking the same path. This way we can reach out to them and be reminded when we may have lost our way.
My intelligence tends to hide my doubt behind my ego. And I won’t know that until I reach for it and watch it get pulled out from underneath. That is unless I put forth an honest effort to practice. All that effort on the cushion may bring my real weakness and strength out to the open.
My approach to Uposatha this week was modified. I used gel, lotion, ate past noon, spent time texting on the cell and I over slept. Yet, I managed to stay away from watching TV and chasing behind pleasure. I even went to visit my Teacher. Perhaps the path is not only about getting on it, but staying on it; by learning to take the good with the bad.
"What does this all mean? That I am lost?"
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, great blog, nice insights, and beautifully written.
WE all get caught up in evaluating our accomplishments on the path. This is just one more way to be attached. Picture Ajahn Chah, after you relate the above to him.... he might say, 'just let go.' Practice. Don't be attached to any gains or outcomes.
"Perhaps the path is not only about getting on it, but staying on it; by learning to take the good with the bad." Now, that's something Ajahn Chah might say!