Confidence

Confidence is a funny thing.  Take the big bully that I live with in my mind for example.  I call him the General.  I’ve been running from him all my life.  Every time I back down from him he gets bigger and stronger.  This is how my mind works with all experiences. 

Let’s say X = any challenge we face, and Y = our reaction to it.  If Y is positive, then we must divide X by Y.  If Y is negative, then we must multiply X by Y.  However, if you flunked algebra and don’t like logic.  All that just means that whatever we run away from gets bigger every time we run.  While whatever we face gets smaller anytime we hold our own.  Yet confronting our fears is a very personal choice.  That must be done within the guidance of our very own strength and weakness.

I’ve started a regimen of 2-3 meditation sessions per day.  I feel like I could do four.  But that would be too extreme, for now.  I’ll stick to what I know I can do and build my confidence slowly.  The internal stillness of meditation is becoming wonderful again as a result. 

I am ready to stop running away from the General.  I am ready to face him.  But I will do it slowly, and with help.  I will allow myself to feel the discomfort and anxiety a little bit more each time.  Just like my Teacher Peter said I should do.

I did not observe Uposatha again this past week.  But I feel like I’m starting to miss it.  I remember feeling like it was an honor to participate in something that others I didn’t even know were doing.  Yet it is still interesting that I miss observing.  Perhaps renunciation really is a gift we give to ourselves.  Confidence certainly is!