Delighting in Drowning

Delighting creates thirst.  But sensual pleasures are like paper money, they have no true value.   Delighting, I drown within empty pleasures.  It is hard for my busy mind to recognize this.

Even more difficult, is to see renunciation is a life preserver, a lifeguard.  It is the cure for busyness, blindness, and thirst.  A raft that’s ever present, and waiting to take me back to shore.  Subtle and hard to see, the gift of safety, which only we can provide to ourselves.

This is why it is important to associate with wise people.  To see the example of one who has already seen.  Reading books is no substitute for this.  For all too often we fall prey to cloning what we’ve read, and miss applying strategies.  I know this all too well!

Delighting in the breath is useful.  Concentration allows me to see the damage I cause myself and those around me, as when I delight in unskillful and harmful actions.  Thirst disguises itself, as pleasure and immediate gratification.  Staying with my breath allows me to see how pleasure leads me to pain.  But, when I don't feel ready to give up the pleasure or hold onto renunciation.  I just need to keep looking, and notice that.

Inchworm

It seems that the more I Practice, the crazier my mind becomes.  Old mental habits of denial and delusion have such strong grip over me.  They’ve kept me from seeing what my mind has been doing.  All those layers of ignorance disperse when I Practice, and that allows me to see what my own mind is brewing.

Imagine, looking at a clean white spot on a table or wall, where we see nothing.  Add into the mix the distractions of a crowded restaurant or a noisy venue.  You will see even less than nothing!  Now, try looking at the white spot again with a microscope, in a quiet laboratory like setting.  You will see millions of things, where there once appeared to be nothing at all.  That means the craziness is actually an indication that my Practice is working!

“Sometimes the mind is like an inchworm at the edge of a leaf.  One end is standing on the leaf; the other end is waving around, hoping that another leaf will come its way.  As soon as it touches the new leaf, it grabs on and lets go of the old leaf.  In other words, part of your mind may be with the breath, but another part is looking for somewhere else to go.”- Thanissaro Bhikkhu

My practice is currently at the point where I catch glimpses of the inchworm, and can even stop it, sometimes.  But, my concentration is not yet at the point where I can always catch it and stop it.  This leads me to becoming frustrated with myself and my Practice.  Due to expectations I have brought to the Path, I become impatient.

This feeds aversion and doubt for the Practice, when I don’t just see it as unskillful expectation, which I can choose to let go of.  This becomes more evident as I progress on the path, making it increasingly difficult to stay enthusiastic and motivated, when I don’t remind myself.  But, I must remind myself that my old noisy and distracted mind is the one that came up with those expectations.  So how much value do they really have towards finding true happiness?

Moderation

Moderaton

Noun

·        The avoidance of excess or extremes, esp. in one's behavior or political opinions.

·        The action of making something less extreme, intense, or violent.

Nothing could be more foreign to my life than moderation.  Since my years as a spoiled toddler, as my parents created a fantasy world, insulating me from our poverty, I have been extreme and intense.  Guided by smoldering passion, I have mostly brought impatience, greed, and inconsistency to what I do.  Leaving me with the task of trying to remain motivated, when experiences seem dull and flat, and that’s only when doing well!

Meditation and Uposatha have been no exception to this rule.  I have recently recovered from all sorts of unhealthy binging that took me away from observing.  But, I managed to keep up with my daily meditation Practice.  In order to do that I was forced to look deeply at what my practice was motivated by, without judgment.  That required levels of patience, generosity and courage that I didn’t even know I had in me.

Now, I am trying to return to my practice with a lighter touch.  Being careful to guard the tiny moments of joy I derive from the practice.  Constantly being vigilant of my actions, and not just to correct unskillful behavior, but also to be grateful when I do well.  For that is the very fuel of my practice, knowing that it makes me better, more skillful, brings me happiness.

Imagine that, after all these years of chasing after pleasure.  I am starting to become the very source of pleasure within myself, within my own skillful actions, and subsequent gratitude.  I just got to be careful with this whole moderation thing.  LOL! I need to be moderate in my approach to moderation.  After all, I am not going to change overnight.