Bed of Spikes

The doubt that comes up in my practice is like a soft mattress with hidden razor-sharp-spikes inside.  I enjoy the familiar look of the mattress and so I run to jump on it.  But once I land and put my weight on it, ouch!  It’s the old story of how I am simply not good enough.

During my formal sittings doubt manifests with my knees.  The more stress and doubt I bring into the meditation.  The less likely I’ll be able to sit without struggling with knee pain.  My perceptions of the knee pain give birth to aversion, and the aversion feeds the doubt.  It is like a negative loop that begins with “I can’t do this or it hurts too much” that just grows, and grows, until it really becomes too much.

Throughout the day when I am struggling to stay with my Natural Meditation practice I find that doubt arises about my ability to stay with the concentration object, my breathing.  The mind convinces me, more than half the time, to chase after sense experience and old thought patterns.  That old story again of “I am not good enough.”  Sometimes I recognize it and catch it “OH!  That’s just doubt.  Let me set that aside and try again anyway.”  Whenever I remember to do this it works!  Ah; mindfulness, indeed.

I just started taking a new course called “Faith and Doubt.”  The reflections I mentioned above are a direct result of my Teacher’s encouragement.  It just so happens that I am observing today and I will be returning with the results from my assignment as well, which you just got a sneak preview of.  I am looking forward to class tonight.  But, above all if I keep this mindfulness thing up.  I might just have what it takes to banish doubt from my mind, or better yet, sleep on a bed of spikes with no harm.  Wish me luck!

Art of Living

This day of Uposatha is yet another day of unlearning old habits of aversion, pushing and impatience.  Things that were once subtle and difficult to see have become (almost) unbearably clear and obvious.  I can see it in the simplest things, like how much time I meditate for and the attitude I bring to it.  Especially, the difficulty I have in being grateful for my own determination because of the joy it brings.  All these are the sirens shouting that I’m still holding to my own suffering with conceit.

It’s so easy to forget that we are not the only ones struggling, and that all this can be overcome.  That’s why it’s so important to meet with others on the path, even to read and listen to the talks of those further along.  It gives us the strength to keep going, nourishing that which is already good in us.  I don’t know where I would be today if it were not for those that contributed to my life and practice.

Many people that saw me growing up as a teen thought I’d never make it to see my 18 birthday.  Being 36 years of age today, I’ve proved them wrong.  But it was only because of the good people I kept around; just as many of the troublesome things I picked up were because of the troubled minds I kept around.  Time and time again I’ve seen the truth of this proven in my life.

The voices in the mind reflect what we keep around us.  But what we keep around us takes on many forms.  i.e. TV programs, news articles, your Facebook feed, the Internet, social media, Netflix, books, magazines, etc…  But wait, this doesn’t mean we just get rid of it all and stop living.  The practice is an art of living happily.  First we must identify that which is good around us and feed on that.  Then as we develop goodness in ourselves with some consistency we will identify naturally of our own accord what should be eliminated or developed.  This I am still working on...

Labyrinth

So often I have been faced with walls of silence.  Old karma writes on them with anxiety and delusion like graffiti.  I treat silence like my mortal enemy.  Worse yet, I create a labyrinth of stories with assumptions and conceit.  What in life is not uncertain?  That’s what we practice to seek.

Death is the ultimate uncertainty in life.  When will it come?  How will it feel?  Where will it lead?  But, some of us still manage to thrive within uncertainty.  Those that do, focus on what is known.  Building a foundation of truth regardless of whether it is pleasing or displeasing.  It is most often comfort and the inclination to seek it that betrays.

Yet, we cannot live without knowing any pleasure at all.  This is why virtue, gratitude and the joys of wholesome concentration are vital to anyone on the path.  I’ve spent so much time taking joy in painful things; I am still unraveling old stubborn habits.  Changing my tendency to clutch and hold pain, by learning to stay within the body and get out of the head.

I am facing many uncertainties during this day of Uposatha.  Ironic, as my practice improves I see more of what I fear in myself.  But my practice did not create this labyrinth.  My practice has only shown it to me, and how I create it.  Slowly I let the wisdom accumulate to discern how to dismantle it. Being grateful for my honesty and determination along the way.