Lifting

Last week I found myself inspired (during a thunder storm) to make parallels between strength training with the body, and strength training with the mind.  I found the combination to be poetic, personal, and spiritual.  Below you will find my account of the experience.  I hope you find it useful and inspiring.  May we all find the way to peace and happiness.

I was surrounded by two nebulous dust clouds; my hands, two dragons that spit hot chalk onto cold steel for grip. My biceps like fattened reptilian bellies, contracting and stretching. Sweat beading down my brow like red army ants responding to an intruder. I was on my 5th set of Deadlifts. I was preparing mentally, for a lift I had NOT committed myself too successfully, since the age of 25! I was staring down 495 pounds like if I was David, preparing for Goliath.

The gym went silent. Huge grey clouds gathered outside; lightning; then thunder. I lean in, and take one last deep breath. My lungs seemed to take an eternity to fill, taking long enough for my heart to hesitate. Hesitate, like yesterday, when a young boy at work searched for my name, and instead called me, Tio? (For your information that means Uncle.) I was stunned at his choice of words. I hesitated to respond. This was the same boy, who just the other day, I reprimanded, for not looking after his little sister, and leaving her alone. Why was he calling my Tio? What did this mean? I searched for answers in what seemed to take hours, but it was only a fraction of a second. His innocent eyes waited patiently for my recognition. The innocent heart within me experienced great trepidation.

The little boy in me is like a samurai. And my recognition of his words would be like a contract. Needless to say I did not take the boys words lightly, at all. It was as if I was getting a promotion, a new unofficial title. I took a deep breath, and bowed my head in silent recognition to the little boy. He seemed relieved, and I felt I had increased my own inner worth. For now I would be even more committed than ever before, to being a noble example to this young man for as long as my health lasts. Now, I have only to live up to his words.

All these thoughts rained over my mind this morning, in what must’ve taken only a second. My lungs were full, my mind gladdened, and my body rapturous. I grabbed hold of the weight firmly in my rough hands. Lightning struck synchronously as my legs pumped like pistons, contracting intensely! I dropped the weight. The thunder followed in applause. I completed my lift.

Follow the Rabbit

My entire life I have lived in comparisons to others.  How can I be more like my parents, siblings, friends, religious leaders, wealthy people, movie stars, popular people, on and on, into infinity.  I’ve been so caught up in my stories about others I’ve forgotten who I am.  Now, I enter a slow and gradual process of remembering through mindfulness.

First I must observe how I relate to experience, and unravel the riddles of “not-self.”  Meditation and skillful action serve as a mirror for constant reflection and self assessment.  After all, the actions I take and choose are fundamentally, who I am.  Furthermore, the best part about that truth, I can change, I can choose, I am the power, me, Dean!

Still, who the hell is Dean?  Who is this person I’ve hidden for so long?  The truth is I have no idea.  I’ve been trying too hard to be what I thought others wanted.  So, I need to familiarize myself with what I like, what I desire.  Now, there are a few basic things I do know about myself: I love a challenge, I don’t give up easily, and I want to be happy.  Knowing those three things is a dam good start!

I’ve been pretty obsessed with the idea of becoming a spiritual teacher or even a monk.  But all that would be putting the cart before the horse.  If, I’ve learned anything from Buddhism it is to focus on the causes of the desired result I wish to achieve, not the other way around.  Hell, even strength training and fitness have taught me that.  Skillful action (virtue), meditation (concentration), then be patient and watch what happens.  I am determined to find out where the Buddha’s path leads.  I suppose this means that I really want to become an Arahant.  But, will I be able to do what the path requires to achieve this in my lifetime?  I don’t know.  But, I do intend to find out.  “Curiouser and curiouser,” indeed my friends!

Latin@s Racism and Prejudice

Greed and aversion are what make the world go round.  Those that conquer are the ones to write history.  Being casualties themselves of greed and aversion, all their expressions encourage subjugation to defilements.  Prejudice, racism, poverty and war are all products of the corrupted heart.  We need not go further than our own heart to see this clearly.  Whenever we’ve become entangled with the “wantings” of the world, where did it lead?

All forms of available media (i.e. movies, internet, news, radio, popular music, etc…) serve the interests of wealth seeking corporations.  The only way most people have to entertain themselves and to know of the happenings in the world; are but cheerleaders of greed and aversion.  Yet, the choices we make allow us to be both victims and supporters ourselves.

My family grew up with little education, in poverty.  Their eyes and ears bombarded with images that conditioned them to have negative associations to what they are, people of color.  I love my family very much!  But they are all very prejudice, and not always in subtle ways.  Showing resentment for anything different, just as the world had done around them all their lives.  This made finding an identity complicated for me as an adolescent.  My siblings and I were darker skinned than most of my family.  Though they loved us well, it was clear that we reminded them of something they were trying to forget about themselves, or perhaps something already forgotten.

I imagine that my family circumstances as a Latino growing up must be common place.  At least in my experience, prejudice has been common amongst Latinos, or anyone in poverty.  Some lighter skinned Latinos see themselves as superior, and even closer to god.  I still struggle with forms of reverse racism that developed in my heart.  But hate for ourselves, or for those that hate us, solves nothing!!!

This is why I am so grateful for the Practice.  As I make progress I unravel the defilements in my heart.  Making it clear that I am not responsible for my family, or even for this world, I am responsible only for myself.  I don’t need to worry about what others think of me, or of what is happening in their minds.  Doing so would only dissipate the energy I need to look after myself, to make sure that my actions are clean and pure.  After all as Ghandi said “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”

Powerful Practice!

“Brahmacarya for yogis, as stated in the Agni-Purana, embodies self-imposed abstention from sexual activity: fantasizing, glorifying the sex act or someone's sexual attraction, dalliance, sexual ogling, sexually flirtatious talk, the resolution to break one's vow, and consummation of sexual intercourse itself, with any being.” -Yogi excerpt from Wikipedia

I have recently started a new practice of abstaining from any and all sexual activity, mental, physical or verbal.  I observe this during the work week, Monday through Friday.  I take a breather, only if I feel like it, after work on Friday (or the weekend) and resume my Practice again Monday morning.  It has been challenging, but fruitful.  I’ve been doing this for about 3 weeks now.  I have only had a few minor mishaps.

I have noticed a few important things as I’ve done this.  Everything I touch with a pure mind and body has intensified 100 times fold.  My concentration, workouts, and meditations have all improved in almost super natural ways.  I am not exaggerating!  Sexual energy is a very powerful force when channeled into other endeavors.  Even sex itself has intensified in many ways whenever I choose to return to it.

I don’t think this type of practice is for everybody.  But, if you could start changing your relationship to sex in gentle ways, you will not regret the result, man or woman.  Changing my relationship to sexuality has opened many doors for me.  I am happy to say that I will continue with this practice.  I am excited to see where it leads me.

Delighting in Drowning

Delighting creates thirst.  But sensual pleasures are like paper money, they have no true value.   Delighting, I drown within empty pleasures.  It is hard for my busy mind to recognize this.

Even more difficult, is to see renunciation is a life preserver, a lifeguard.  It is the cure for busyness, blindness, and thirst.  A raft that’s ever present, and waiting to take me back to shore.  Subtle and hard to see, the gift of safety, which only we can provide to ourselves.

This is why it is important to associate with wise people.  To see the example of one who has already seen.  Reading books is no substitute for this.  For all too often we fall prey to cloning what we’ve read, and miss applying strategies.  I know this all too well!

Delighting in the breath is useful.  Concentration allows me to see the damage I cause myself and those around me, as when I delight in unskillful and harmful actions.  Thirst disguises itself, as pleasure and immediate gratification.  Staying with my breath allows me to see how pleasure leads me to pain.  But, when I don't feel ready to give up the pleasure or hold onto renunciation.  I just need to keep looking, and notice that.

Inchworm

It seems that the more I Practice, the crazier my mind becomes.  Old mental habits of denial and delusion have such strong grip over me.  They’ve kept me from seeing what my mind has been doing.  All those layers of ignorance disperse when I Practice, and that allows me to see what my own mind is brewing.

Imagine, looking at a clean white spot on a table or wall, where we see nothing.  Add into the mix the distractions of a crowded restaurant or a noisy venue.  You will see even less than nothing!  Now, try looking at the white spot again with a microscope, in a quiet laboratory like setting.  You will see millions of things, where there once appeared to be nothing at all.  That means the craziness is actually an indication that my Practice is working!

“Sometimes the mind is like an inchworm at the edge of a leaf.  One end is standing on the leaf; the other end is waving around, hoping that another leaf will come its way.  As soon as it touches the new leaf, it grabs on and lets go of the old leaf.  In other words, part of your mind may be with the breath, but another part is looking for somewhere else to go.”- Thanissaro Bhikkhu

My practice is currently at the point where I catch glimpses of the inchworm, and can even stop it, sometimes.  But, my concentration is not yet at the point where I can always catch it and stop it.  This leads me to becoming frustrated with myself and my Practice.  Due to expectations I have brought to the Path, I become impatient.

This feeds aversion and doubt for the Practice, when I don’t just see it as unskillful expectation, which I can choose to let go of.  This becomes more evident as I progress on the path, making it increasingly difficult to stay enthusiastic and motivated, when I don’t remind myself.  But, I must remind myself that my old noisy and distracted mind is the one that came up with those expectations.  So how much value do they really have towards finding true happiness?

Moderation

Moderaton

Noun

·        The avoidance of excess or extremes, esp. in one's behavior or political opinions.

·        The action of making something less extreme, intense, or violent.

Nothing could be more foreign to my life than moderation.  Since my years as a spoiled toddler, as my parents created a fantasy world, insulating me from our poverty, I have been extreme and intense.  Guided by smoldering passion, I have mostly brought impatience, greed, and inconsistency to what I do.  Leaving me with the task of trying to remain motivated, when experiences seem dull and flat, and that’s only when doing well!

Meditation and Uposatha have been no exception to this rule.  I have recently recovered from all sorts of unhealthy binging that took me away from observing.  But, I managed to keep up with my daily meditation Practice.  In order to do that I was forced to look deeply at what my practice was motivated by, without judgment.  That required levels of patience, generosity and courage that I didn’t even know I had in me.

Now, I am trying to return to my practice with a lighter touch.  Being careful to guard the tiny moments of joy I derive from the practice.  Constantly being vigilant of my actions, and not just to correct unskillful behavior, but also to be grateful when I do well.  For that is the very fuel of my practice, knowing that it makes me better, more skillful, brings me happiness.

Imagine that, after all these years of chasing after pleasure.  I am starting to become the very source of pleasure within myself, within my own skillful actions, and subsequent gratitude.  I just got to be careful with this whole moderation thing.  LOL! I need to be moderate in my approach to moderation.  After all, I am not going to change overnight.