Inchworm

It seems that the more I Practice, the crazier my mind becomes.  Old mental habits of denial and delusion have such strong grip over me.  They’ve kept me from seeing what my mind has been doing.  All those layers of ignorance disperse when I Practice, and that allows me to see what my own mind is brewing.

Imagine, looking at a clean white spot on a table or wall, where we see nothing.  Add into the mix the distractions of a crowded restaurant or a noisy venue.  You will see even less than nothing!  Now, try looking at the white spot again with a microscope, in a quiet laboratory like setting.  You will see millions of things, where there once appeared to be nothing at all.  That means the craziness is actually an indication that my Practice is working!

“Sometimes the mind is like an inchworm at the edge of a leaf.  One end is standing on the leaf; the other end is waving around, hoping that another leaf will come its way.  As soon as it touches the new leaf, it grabs on and lets go of the old leaf.  In other words, part of your mind may be with the breath, but another part is looking for somewhere else to go.”- Thanissaro Bhikkhu

My practice is currently at the point where I catch glimpses of the inchworm, and can even stop it, sometimes.  But, my concentration is not yet at the point where I can always catch it and stop it.  This leads me to becoming frustrated with myself and my Practice.  Due to expectations I have brought to the Path, I become impatient.

This feeds aversion and doubt for the Practice, when I don’t just see it as unskillful expectation, which I can choose to let go of.  This becomes more evident as I progress on the path, making it increasingly difficult to stay enthusiastic and motivated, when I don’t remind myself.  But, I must remind myself that my old noisy and distracted mind is the one that came up with those expectations.  So how much value do they really have towards finding true happiness?