The Good, the Bad and the Ego

The closer I think I am to the goal, the farther I tend to be from it.  It’s not unusual for an ego to find its way into written words.  Considering that I am still struggling to find my way to the path that leads to freedom.  I say this knowing that last week I spoke about confidence as if it were something I had plenty of.  When I am only certain I lack it.

Strength, what is my strength?  I want to say that I’m disciplined and intelligent.  But it is just as likely that these are my weaknesses as well.  Weakness, what is my weakness?  I am perhaps too rigid and extreme in my application of discipline.  Even more important is that my mind likes to convince me that I know it all, and it’s quite clever at accomplishing this. 

What does this all mean?  That I am lost?  I already knew that.  But it is good to be reminded of it.  For then the side of my brain that likes to deceive won’t take me too far away from the path I wish to walk.  This is why it is crucial to have companions walking the same path.  This way we can reach out to them and be reminded when we may have lost our way.

My intelligence tends to hide my doubt behind my ego.  And I won’t know that until I reach for it and watch it get pulled out from underneath.  That is unless I put forth an honest effort to practice.  All that effort on the cushion may bring my real weakness and strength out to the open.

My approach to Uposatha this week was modified.  I used gel, lotion, ate past noon, spent time texting on the cell and I over slept.  Yet, I managed to stay away from watching TV and chasing behind pleasure.  I even went to visit my Teacher.  Perhaps the path is not only about getting on it, but staying on it; by learning to take the good with the bad.

Confidence

Confidence is a funny thing.  Take the big bully that I live with in my mind for example.  I call him the General.  I’ve been running from him all my life.  Every time I back down from him he gets bigger and stronger.  This is how my mind works with all experiences. 

Let’s say X = any challenge we face, and Y = our reaction to it.  If Y is positive, then we must divide X by Y.  If Y is negative, then we must multiply X by Y.  However, if you flunked algebra and don’t like logic.  All that just means that whatever we run away from gets bigger every time we run.  While whatever we face gets smaller anytime we hold our own.  Yet confronting our fears is a very personal choice.  That must be done within the guidance of our very own strength and weakness.

I’ve started a regimen of 2-3 meditation sessions per day.  I feel like I could do four.  But that would be too extreme, for now.  I’ll stick to what I know I can do and build my confidence slowly.  The internal stillness of meditation is becoming wonderful again as a result. 

I am ready to stop running away from the General.  I am ready to face him.  But I will do it slowly, and with help.  I will allow myself to feel the discomfort and anxiety a little bit more each time.  Just like my Teacher Peter said I should do.

I did not observe Uposatha again this past week.  But I feel like I’m starting to miss it.  I remember feeling like it was an honor to participate in something that others I didn’t even know were doing.  Yet it is still interesting that I miss observing.  Perhaps renunciation really is a gift we give to ourselves.  Confidence certainly is!

Feeding

I must be responsible for my own wellbeing.  In a world that wishes to cash in on my being otherwise.  Our world encourages us to feed off others.  But not on the aspects that are healthy.  Instead, we aim to feed on their junk.  The empty calories of the world do nothing to nourish us.  Leaving us with the same hunger we met them with, if we are lucky.

I am definitely guilty of this.  I have always had trouble managing my weight.  I tend to lean on the heavy side.  Constantly struggling to find a balance between eating healthy and staying motivated.

It is in that struggle, that very weakness to stay lean that I find the link between mind and body.  What I feed on with my mind ultimately affects what I do with my body.  The best advertising agents are aware of this.  Just pay attention to radio, television, internet, and paper media.  Feel how the methods they employ leverage our moods to their benefit.  "Eating this is fun!  Anything else is boring.  If you don’t buy this you won’t be happy."  Etc…

We are bombarded everywhere we go with junk.  Society wants to keep us hungry, to keep us coming back.  Our hunger feeds their wealth.  But, if we had no power, no choice, they would not spend millions on trying to keep us hungry.  We always have a choice.

I did not observe Uposatha this Sunday.  Instead, I spent time making music with a friend.  I think I needed a break.  I have been struggling with many things lately.  As I am sure we all are.  Considering that life never fails to test us.

In the past I’ve been disciplined with my practice.  But I’ve also been too hard on myself, not allowing myself to find any joy in practicing.  Lately I think I’ve been trying to make up for it, being too easy on myself as a result.  I am struggling to find a balance.  In order to find balance I must be careful what I feed upon with my mind; checking to see whether it helps, or hinders me.

Rut

Imagine a bully that follows you everywhere you go, criticizing all that you do?  Anyone in their right mind would want to get rid of that guy.  Right?  Problem is the bully is you.  An injured voice from within that never had a chance to heal.

I have never felt content with myself.  I’ve always felt as though I were not good enough.  This applies to everything across the board as far back as I can remember.  My motivation has always been imbued with the intention to improve what would never be enough.

I’ve spent most of my life trying to find the source that triggered me to be hard on myself.  But I’m starting to think it’s a combination of too many variables to know them all.  However, I can still heal without knowing this.  I can train my mind to pay careful attention to what I’m doing here and now.  Since that is where I’m still causing myself stress.

I failed to observe Uposatha.  But that’s not all.  I’ve simply failed to practice.  I think I meditated 3 times since the last time I posted to this blog.  Why do I have trouble being consistent with a practice that can only help me?  Doubt, is a very funny thing.  The obvious forms of it are easy to identify.  But subtle forms of doubt are the most dangerous.  They hide behind my own intelligence, making it difficult to catch, before I fall in a rut.

I avoid meditation sessions.  Since meditation makes the voice of the bully feel amplified. Then, I start adding judgment on top of my failure.  Thinking I don’t deserve to see the very people that can help me get out of a rut.  I begin avoiding my Teacher and the community of wise people who practice.  I don’t feel worthy of their presence.

The only thing left is the chasing of pleasure.  Until there is no pleasure left to chase.  Everything becomes numb to pleasant sensations.  The only thing left is the pain of reaching, desiring and holding empty things.  Like a man dying of thirst, that has fallen in love with the taste of hot molten lava.  There is no one else to blame for my pain.  But, that also means I have the power to fix it!

Onions

Do you like onions? My life is similar to one. It doesn’t work well with every dish. But some dishes require onions. Fear, sadness and pain wrapped around a core in layers. The core is where our strength is waiting to be discovered.

I am lucky enough to have a Practice that teaches you to be skillful like a chef. There are tools we may use to approach an onion. Carefully we concentrate on, and evaluate the onion, brightening the mind as we wash it under cold water to keep from crying. Until we gently reach the center.

It’s very important to discern when we’ve had enough, or when we’ve done too little. This enables us to be moderate in our approach to things. That’s how I try to keep up my effort. Something I have a great deal of trouble with. I have a tendency to stick my nose in the onion regardless of how much it burns. Forgetting to alternate and be gentle.

I got up at 10am instead of 4am. I tried not to beat myself up about it. But the groves of harshness towards my-self run pretty deep. I started the day with 30mins of walking meditation. I read some Dhamma, and had breakfast.

I went to the gym and trained shoulders and forearms, without any music. I pushed for strength. It was pretty empty in the gym even for a Saturday morning. That made for very few distractions. I enjoyed my workout. I got back too late to eat a post workout meal. So I just washed up, and then meditated for 30mins.

I did really well observing Uposatha until the late evening. That’s when I started to sob internally within my solitude. During my last meditation I could hear the festive sounds of music as my neighbors partied.  And they partied throughout the night.

I began to stick my nose into the onion.  I turned on the internet and tried to tune out the festivities. I began to chase behind pleasure to alleviate my pain. It was too difficult at the time to see that I was causing my own pain. That’s how I spent the entire night on the internet, until sunrise. I had fallen away from my observance of Uposatha.

The only thing I had left was to notice my own suffering and try my best not to beat myself up. That would just make it worse. Sure, I had done much better last week. But I will live to try again this week. Besides, there is always another onion.

New Moon

Today is New Moon Uposatha, I will attempt to observe the 8 precepts.  Today I woke up at 4:30 am.  An extremely unusual thing for me, I might add.  Considering that I usually wake up around noon.  But this is the day I give myself the gift of renunciation, or I try to anyway.

First I washed up and drank some lemonade.  After clearing away the only non folding furniture I have, my bed.  I began to stretch, ending later with another swig of lemonade.  Then my morning chant of the 5 precepts, followed by a 30 minute meditation session.  Wait, why am I chanting the 5 precepts when I’m supposed to be following the 8 precepts?  (Can’t get anything past you huh?)  I chant the 5 because they’re the only ones I know how to chant.  Not to mention I feel better later on if I fall short of the 8.  And I can still stick to the 5.  Well, it makes sense in my head anyway.
 
After meditation I read some Dhamma.  Then, I have a small breakfast consisting of oatmeal, fruit and milk.  I wait about 15 minutes for food to settle down.  Then I head straight to the gym.

I started training my back and biceps at 7am, without my iPod.  The 7th precept requires me to leave it behind.  However, the gym did have its own music.  But they play it at such a low volume that I had more difficulty ignoring the various conversations that filled the space next to me.

I was home, showered and eating my post workout meal by 9:15am.  It is so unusual to get this much done this early; I wasn’t even sure what to do with myself after.  I decided to take a quick-nap.  That turned out to be more like sleeping, since 30mins turned into an hour.  I elected not to beat myself up about it and keep it moving.  Waking up at 4:30am is going to take some getting used to.

I was not feeling hungry so I decided to skip lunch in favor of meditating again for 30mins, then lounging with my cat.  Later I checked in with my mom and caught up on news.  My brother’s dog was more than happy to join me.  I decided to walk my brother’s dog to brighten my mind.  I could use all the help I can get, considering the difficulty in securing the mind from the pull of sensual experience.  But I’m surely not the only one.  Yet today I hold the Uposatha banner!  Making it easier for me to stay focused.  Well, sometimes.

The world does not pause to make it easier to train the mind.  Marvelously short skirts do a serenading waltz.  The scent of pastelitos of assorted Caribbean flavors calling out to me by name!  (Pastelitos are fried pastries filled with sweet or savory fillings)  I have my work cut out for me finding pleasure within, amongst all these temptations without.

I bought Aloe juice and a Citroma laxative to accompany me on my fast today.  I am not supposed to eat after noon today, until tomorrow morning.  Not to mention today will be a long day at work and I will be going back to the gym after, to do night time cardio.  I hope to end the day with a vegetable shake, an evening meditation and a Dhamma reading.  Wish me luck!