Rut

Imagine a bully that follows you everywhere you go, criticizing all that you do?  Anyone in their right mind would want to get rid of that guy.  Right?  Problem is the bully is you.  An injured voice from within that never had a chance to heal.

I have never felt content with myself.  I’ve always felt as though I were not good enough.  This applies to everything across the board as far back as I can remember.  My motivation has always been imbued with the intention to improve what would never be enough.

I’ve spent most of my life trying to find the source that triggered me to be hard on myself.  But I’m starting to think it’s a combination of too many variables to know them all.  However, I can still heal without knowing this.  I can train my mind to pay careful attention to what I’m doing here and now.  Since that is where I’m still causing myself stress.

I failed to observe Uposatha.  But that’s not all.  I’ve simply failed to practice.  I think I meditated 3 times since the last time I posted to this blog.  Why do I have trouble being consistent with a practice that can only help me?  Doubt, is a very funny thing.  The obvious forms of it are easy to identify.  But subtle forms of doubt are the most dangerous.  They hide behind my own intelligence, making it difficult to catch, before I fall in a rut.

I avoid meditation sessions.  Since meditation makes the voice of the bully feel amplified. Then, I start adding judgment on top of my failure.  Thinking I don’t deserve to see the very people that can help me get out of a rut.  I begin avoiding my Teacher and the community of wise people who practice.  I don’t feel worthy of their presence.

The only thing left is the chasing of pleasure.  Until there is no pleasure left to chase.  Everything becomes numb to pleasant sensations.  The only thing left is the pain of reaching, desiring and holding empty things.  Like a man dying of thirst, that has fallen in love with the taste of hot molten lava.  There is no one else to blame for my pain.  But, that also means I have the power to fix it!