Onions

Do you like onions? My life is similar to one. It doesn’t work well with every dish. But some dishes require onions. Fear, sadness and pain wrapped around a core in layers. The core is where our strength is waiting to be discovered.

I am lucky enough to have a Practice that teaches you to be skillful like a chef. There are tools we may use to approach an onion. Carefully we concentrate on, and evaluate the onion, brightening the mind as we wash it under cold water to keep from crying. Until we gently reach the center.

It’s very important to discern when we’ve had enough, or when we’ve done too little. This enables us to be moderate in our approach to things. That’s how I try to keep up my effort. Something I have a great deal of trouble with. I have a tendency to stick my nose in the onion regardless of how much it burns. Forgetting to alternate and be gentle.

I got up at 10am instead of 4am. I tried not to beat myself up about it. But the groves of harshness towards my-self run pretty deep. I started the day with 30mins of walking meditation. I read some Dhamma, and had breakfast.

I went to the gym and trained shoulders and forearms, without any music. I pushed for strength. It was pretty empty in the gym even for a Saturday morning. That made for very few distractions. I enjoyed my workout. I got back too late to eat a post workout meal. So I just washed up, and then meditated for 30mins.

I did really well observing Uposatha until the late evening. That’s when I started to sob internally within my solitude. During my last meditation I could hear the festive sounds of music as my neighbors partied.  And they partied throughout the night.

I began to stick my nose into the onion.  I turned on the internet and tried to tune out the festivities. I began to chase behind pleasure to alleviate my pain. It was too difficult at the time to see that I was causing my own pain. That’s how I spent the entire night on the internet, until sunrise. I had fallen away from my observance of Uposatha.

The only thing I had left was to notice my own suffering and try my best not to beat myself up. That would just make it worse. Sure, I had done much better last week. But I will live to try again this week. Besides, there is always another onion.