I Don't Like ...

 



It has been a long time that I have not written about my practice or Uposatha.  Sorry, I’ve just been really-really busy, not liking myself.  But I am not writing this now seeking sympathy or pity.  It is actually quite liberating to recognize that my biggest problem in life has been myself.  Ironically, the one thing in this world that I can control is also the most troubling.

My happiest memories live in a past that will never return.  I still subconsciously hold them and reject making new ones.  The lessons of the inevitability of change and separation did not come to me until much later in life.  And by then, I had already thoroughly trained myself on how to numb the pain.  Now I must undo this state of blind and painful equanimity.

There is a difference between being dispassionate from reaching the Buddhist goal of release, and being passionate about beating yourself up to stay numb.  The ultimate goal that any human can reach cannot be compared to the later.  But before I get on a roll beating myself up, let me point out that there is an allure to doing so.  I’ve grown familiar and comfortable with my internalized sadomasochism.

Meditation makes it impossible to ignore that this needs to change.  Let alone giving myself the gift of renunciation during Uposatha.  So, I’ve not had the strength to observe in a while.  It has been hard enough to hold onto my daily practice.  All of which became clear to me the moment I admitted, I don’t like myself.

A fact that can change by doing good things and not just the kind that make you feel good in the moment.  I mean those that require sacrifice now, so that later we can meet the unknown with courage and strength.  I am not perfect, and I never will be.  But that’s ok.  I only need to be kind, not perfect, to be happy forever.