Bed of Spikes

The doubt that comes up in my practice is like a soft mattress with hidden razor-sharp-spikes inside.  I enjoy the familiar look of the mattress and so I run to jump on it.  But once I land and put my weight on it, ouch!  It’s the old story of how I am simply not good enough.

During my formal sittings doubt manifests with my knees.  The more stress and doubt I bring into the meditation.  The less likely I’ll be able to sit without struggling with knee pain.  My perceptions of the knee pain give birth to aversion, and the aversion feeds the doubt.  It is like a negative loop that begins with “I can’t do this or it hurts too much” that just grows, and grows, until it really becomes too much.

Throughout the day when I am struggling to stay with my Natural Meditation practice I find that doubt arises about my ability to stay with the concentration object, my breathing.  The mind convinces me, more than half the time, to chase after sense experience and old thought patterns.  That old story again of “I am not good enough.”  Sometimes I recognize it and catch it “OH!  That’s just doubt.  Let me set that aside and try again anyway.”  Whenever I remember to do this it works!  Ah; mindfulness, indeed.

I just started taking a new course called “Faith and Doubt.”  The reflections I mentioned above are a direct result of my Teacher’s encouragement.  It just so happens that I am observing today and I will be returning with the results from my assignment as well, which you just got a sneak preview of.  I am looking forward to class tonight.  But, above all if I keep this mindfulness thing up.  I might just have what it takes to banish doubt from my mind, or better yet, sleep on a bed of spikes with no harm.  Wish me luck!