Perfectionist

I've made many strides with my practice. So why can't I enjoy this progress? It seems that brutal and painful effort is all my mind knows. It is no wonder that my mind is constantly moving, feeding, and/or avoiding something.

I've been retraining my cruel mind with kindness and generosity. But old painful grooves will take time and patience to fill with new values. Sometime ago as a child, I must of thought it wise to become attached to pain, instead of fearing it. But it was the fear that glued me to it in the first place.

It's very difficult to accept where I am. The perfectionist inside punishes me every step of the way. But I must say, I didn't always see I was the source of my own misery. This is a new development that compassion has helped me to achieve.

I observed a modified version of Uposatha this week. I focused on problem areas and loosened up on others. The perfectionist in me was not happy. He wants me to push to my limits all the time. But I am growing tired of short fits of practice mixed in with long breaks, where I don't practice at all. I am in this for the long haul, and as they say "what bends a little, won't break."