Mr. Grey

Even now as I steadily train on new values and habits, I still suffer.  Very old Karmic seeds that I’ve consistently planted and nurtured begin to ripen.  I try with great difficulty to find wholesome pleasure within, as a cruel thief comes to steal it away.  He is the antagonist of all the healthy narratives within my mind.

Mr. Grey is a character that I created to personify my own mental experiences with aversion.  He is the character that I sometimes use in performances to entertain, and frighten the audience.  He is everything I don’t like about the world, and myself.  More terrifying still, he was born out of the joy I often find myself taking, when I cause myself suffering.

Meditation and observing Uposatha has forced me to take a long hard look at what I had for so many years avoided.  I just couldn't believe or admit that the reason I was suffering was because I had become friendly with being cruel to myself.  Picture trying to make sure you don’t suffer from a headache, by hitting yourself in the head with a sledgehammer instead!

Teacher has me cultivating skillful pleasure within, by creating new values to replace old ones.  I can sense it’s starting to work, and my life is improving as a result.  But Mr. Grey has me pushing “More-more, faster-faster.”  When that happens (like it has been all day today) I just notice that inclination, try to replace it with a skillful one, or just have compassion for myself.  After all, there is no one else to blame but me.  Yet, that also means the power to change lives in me!