Be Generous or Thirsty

Anyone that wishes to be released from the clutches of fear, addiction, anxiety, lust, anger or obsession would do well to listen closely.  Generosity must be your foundation.  We must live as if life depends on skillful acts of kindness.  Our happiness depends on it.  Begin with generosity towards others, and then take joy in those acts.

The main problem we face is our own stinginess.  We swim in a cesspool of greed.  Then we wonder why we can’t see, or how we got to smell so foul.  Perhaps we don’t like ourselves, or worse, we’ve convinced ourselves that our stinginess is agreeable, or we simply think there is no other way.  OH!  But there is always another way.

I see this in myself.  Subtle forms of stinginess hide within me and it's even encouraged by our greedy culture.  My mind uses its own intelligence as a tool to do itself harm.  How often do we stop, pause and reflect to see just what it is we are holding?

I also see this in spiritual communities.  So many opportunities to be generous and kind go unnoticed, if not avoided all together.  I can always measure how much I’m suffering by how little I donate in terms of resources, time, or service.  How ironic, that this happens even among those spiritually thirsty “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make her drink.”

Community

All my life, the one thing that was always present during moments of happiness was a sense of healthy community.  It is so odd that in our current era of advanced technology and social networks, it is mostly absent.  I believe this is a phenomenon that is deeply embedded in the psychological structure of society.  There is nothing healthy about greed and that’s what most of human interaction encourages these days.

While I was training in the gym today, I had to wait on the squat rack.  Initially as I was waiting, a sense of entitlement arose in me.  It was based on the conceit that most in the gym don’t do what I do.  I manage to notice the shift in my mind, when it began to color everyone in the gym grey with hostility.  I began to tighten up, and feel threatened.  But, I paused, took a deep refreshing breath, and then I asked myself “what if I just feel glad that everyone here has made some type of commitment to be here in the first place?”  I let the question drop.

The shift encouraged me to ask some guys that were training “would you guys mind if I squat with you all?”  The guys seemed elated; they smiled, and said “sure, jump right in!”    As we trained we exchanged ideas about training ethic, shoes, and even spotted each other.  I put my ego aside, and fed on their interest, and commitment to leg training.  Then it occurred to me that we were in fact a community of fitness enthusiasts that trained in the same gym.  Why can’t every human experience lead to new and renewed bonds such as this?

There is always something positive to feed on within another human being.  It doesn’t matter how little you like them, or know of them.  Seeing the goodness in others doesn’t require you to ignore any wrong they’ve done, or to love them.  It just means that you’ve made a conscious decision to train in the habit of resting your mind on others good qualities first, and that is an invaluable habit.  Especially, to those that tend to be very-very hard on themselves!

Balance

It is very interesting how the mind works.  I usually do NOT post when I fail to observe the 8 precepts on Uposatha days.  I think it’s due to embarrassment, and a sense of not wanting to celebrate by sharing my thoughts of the day or week.  Needless to say, I failed to observe all the 8 precepts.

Yet, thanks to Ajahn Sarayut Arnanta, I began to realize that I was not seeing the whole picture.  My mind has a tendency to dwell on the things that I have not accomplished, ignoring all of the things that I have accomplished.  Although, I had failed to observe on one day, my Practice is something I am doing to change how I live and find happiness.  This practice is nothing short of life changing, when we hold it right.

Instead of beating myself up over the one Precept I have trouble following for one day.  I should review how much of my life has changed and improved overall.  Where is it that my life has settled easefully into the gifts of the practice?  Recognizing my accomplishments will only serve to sustain my inner wealth and happiness.  This is after all, not a practice of extremes, but of moderation; The Middle Way.

My fitness and strength goals have naturally settled me into following 7 of the 8 precepts during the work week, Monday through Friday.  I find that following the 7 keeps me strong and has improved my strength dramatically.  However, my appetite has also increased due to new and heavier workloads.  This makes it very challenging to hold the food precept with kindness.  Yet, if the overall goal is to change how I live my life, I am still doing that, which takes more than just one day to do.

Mental Training

I grew up having a negative body image for various reasons.  I was also kept secluded, away from most other children.  This made it so that playing sports was simply not an option for me.  I did not have the social skills or the physical ability to compete with my peers.

I gravitated to strength training, because it was something that I could do alone, something that would give me confidence, a positive body image.  Over the years it became a spiritual experience.  The act of confronting a physical challenge always requires that you have your mind in order and focused.  This led me to have an immense respect for discipline.  How else could I keep lifting heavy weight?  Training the body became my way of life.

I’ve attained many things from my enthusiasm for fitness.  Not all of them good.  I am, unfortunately prone to being intoxicated with stories about myself.  “I can do what others can’t.  I have something that others don’t.”  Or the reversal of which is even more common for me.  “I can’t do what other can.  I don’t have something that others do have.” Either of which is conceit.  No to mention how much it depresses me to recognize that one day, In the not so distant future, I will not be able to sustain my fitness efforts or my body in its current condition.

How can I produce a life of profound value?  What challenge can I commit to that will satisfy my deepest yearnings?  What is there left for me to do?  The only thing left is to train the mind!

Lifting

Last week I found myself inspired (during a thunder storm) to make parallels between strength training with the body, and strength training with the mind.  I found the combination to be poetic, personal, and spiritual.  Below you will find my account of the experience.  I hope you find it useful and inspiring.  May we all find the way to peace and happiness.

I was surrounded by two nebulous dust clouds; my hands, two dragons that spit hot chalk onto cold steel for grip. My biceps like fattened reptilian bellies, contracting and stretching. Sweat beading down my brow like red army ants responding to an intruder. I was on my 5th set of Deadlifts. I was preparing mentally, for a lift I had NOT committed myself too successfully, since the age of 25! I was staring down 495 pounds like if I was David, preparing for Goliath.

The gym went silent. Huge grey clouds gathered outside; lightning; then thunder. I lean in, and take one last deep breath. My lungs seemed to take an eternity to fill, taking long enough for my heart to hesitate. Hesitate, like yesterday, when a young boy at work searched for my name, and instead called me, Tio? (For your information that means Uncle.) I was stunned at his choice of words. I hesitated to respond. This was the same boy, who just the other day, I reprimanded, for not looking after his little sister, and leaving her alone. Why was he calling my Tio? What did this mean? I searched for answers in what seemed to take hours, but it was only a fraction of a second. His innocent eyes waited patiently for my recognition. The innocent heart within me experienced great trepidation.

The little boy in me is like a samurai. And my recognition of his words would be like a contract. Needless to say I did not take the boys words lightly, at all. It was as if I was getting a promotion, a new unofficial title. I took a deep breath, and bowed my head in silent recognition to the little boy. He seemed relieved, and I felt I had increased my own inner worth. For now I would be even more committed than ever before, to being a noble example to this young man for as long as my health lasts. Now, I have only to live up to his words.

All these thoughts rained over my mind this morning, in what must’ve taken only a second. My lungs were full, my mind gladdened, and my body rapturous. I grabbed hold of the weight firmly in my rough hands. Lightning struck synchronously as my legs pumped like pistons, contracting intensely! I dropped the weight. The thunder followed in applause. I completed my lift.

Follow the Rabbit

My entire life I have lived in comparisons to others.  How can I be more like my parents, siblings, friends, religious leaders, wealthy people, movie stars, popular people, on and on, into infinity.  I’ve been so caught up in my stories about others I’ve forgotten who I am.  Now, I enter a slow and gradual process of remembering through mindfulness.

First I must observe how I relate to experience, and unravel the riddles of “not-self.”  Meditation and skillful action serve as a mirror for constant reflection and self assessment.  After all, the actions I take and choose are fundamentally, who I am.  Furthermore, the best part about that truth, I can change, I can choose, I am the power, me, Dean!

Still, who the hell is Dean?  Who is this person I’ve hidden for so long?  The truth is I have no idea.  I’ve been trying too hard to be what I thought others wanted.  So, I need to familiarize myself with what I like, what I desire.  Now, there are a few basic things I do know about myself: I love a challenge, I don’t give up easily, and I want to be happy.  Knowing those three things is a dam good start!

I’ve been pretty obsessed with the idea of becoming a spiritual teacher or even a monk.  But all that would be putting the cart before the horse.  If, I’ve learned anything from Buddhism it is to focus on the causes of the desired result I wish to achieve, not the other way around.  Hell, even strength training and fitness have taught me that.  Skillful action (virtue), meditation (concentration), then be patient and watch what happens.  I am determined to find out where the Buddha’s path leads.  I suppose this means that I really want to become an Arahant.  But, will I be able to do what the path requires to achieve this in my lifetime?  I don’t know.  But, I do intend to find out.  “Curiouser and curiouser,” indeed my friends!

Latin@s Racism and Prejudice

Greed and aversion are what make the world go round.  Those that conquer are the ones to write history.  Being casualties themselves of greed and aversion, all their expressions encourage subjugation to defilements.  Prejudice, racism, poverty and war are all products of the corrupted heart.  We need not go further than our own heart to see this clearly.  Whenever we’ve become entangled with the “wantings” of the world, where did it lead?

All forms of available media (i.e. movies, internet, news, radio, popular music, etc…) serve the interests of wealth seeking corporations.  The only way most people have to entertain themselves and to know of the happenings in the world; are but cheerleaders of greed and aversion.  Yet, the choices we make allow us to be both victims and supporters ourselves.

My family grew up with little education, in poverty.  Their eyes and ears bombarded with images that conditioned them to have negative associations to what they are, people of color.  I love my family very much!  But they are all very prejudice, and not always in subtle ways.  Showing resentment for anything different, just as the world had done around them all their lives.  This made finding an identity complicated for me as an adolescent.  My siblings and I were darker skinned than most of my family.  Though they loved us well, it was clear that we reminded them of something they were trying to forget about themselves, or perhaps something already forgotten.

I imagine that my family circumstances as a Latino growing up must be common place.  At least in my experience, prejudice has been common amongst Latinos, or anyone in poverty.  Some lighter skinned Latinos see themselves as superior, and even closer to god.  I still struggle with forms of reverse racism that developed in my heart.  But hate for ourselves, or for those that hate us, solves nothing!!!

This is why I am so grateful for the Practice.  As I make progress I unravel the defilements in my heart.  Making it clear that I am not responsible for my family, or even for this world, I am responsible only for myself.  I don’t need to worry about what others think of me, or of what is happening in their minds.  Doing so would only dissipate the energy I need to look after myself, to make sure that my actions are clean and pure.  After all as Ghandi said “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”