Talking

Most people love to talk.  And their favorite subject tends to be, themselves.  I am guilty of this, truly!  There is nothing wrong with this, except when it gets in the way of the Practice.  “If you can’t control your mouth, how will you control your mind?”  It is after all the fourth precept.

Yet, in today’s digital age of social networks, and blogs (like this) talking is not only done with the mouth.  It is done with a keyboard as well.  And even if we convince ourselves we are talking about enlightening things, or nirvana itself.  How much talk about practicing does it take to practice?  Better yet, how much talk of practicing can you do before it distracts you from Practicing?

I will be the first to admit that I have a problem with idle chatter, among other things.  I can tell when I’ve been using FB too much because my meditations become littered with anxious thinking and restlessness.  That’s if they allow me to show any interest in my meditation at all!  Although, the thoughts maybe about useful things, they are not serving me to achieve the goal of why I am sitting, besides, if they are really that important.  They will be their when I’m done. 

The Buddha divided actions into two types: those imbued with renunciation and skillfulness, and those imbued with greed and aversion.  This is hard to see in the way we use speech with others.  But it is even harder and more subtle to see with the way we use speech on ourselves.  In fact it will be impossible for anyone to attain a noble state of concentration without talking to themselves skillfully.  But before you delete your FB or Blog, remember, that you can come into your body, and breath.  What is the mind like?  How does the breath feel?  Are your verbal actions imbued with love?  We need to learn how to talk skillfully.  But in order to do that we must be willing to make some mistakes.  How else will we learn?

Knock! Knock!

My father is very dear to me.  He died when I was only fifteen years old.  I watched him wither away from the strong hard working man he was, to a bed ridden vegetable!  Cancer claimed my father’s life, but his sense of humor and mind went first.  I watched the most courageous man I knew clinging to any identity he could find, as death came knocking.

Seeing my father this way began my initiation into the spiritual.  As my adolescent eyes saw my father greeting the pain of Separation, Old age, Illness and Death.  I needed to know what the point of all this suffering was.  I thought of how I could prepare to greet such pain.  However, as a young misguided teen, surrounded by poverty, (like most here) I turned to the streets for answers.  But I only found misery, and more questions.

To find such answers we must be honest, and willing to see how we lie to ourselves.  Allowing the stories we’ve told ourselves to unravel, to uncover the truth.  This is most threatening, most terrifying, and most liberating.  This I find to be the reason why most will not sit and meditate.  They have grown attached to the great stories they’ve told themselves, which meditation brings up to the surface.  I know this, because I see it in myself.

That is why this Practice is so important.  Why I must have quiet time to myself.  So that I may ask myself “what am I becoming as the days and nights go by?”  My practice feels like it's bringing me closer to peace.  Increasing myself worth, allowing me to see myself and all my flaws with courage.  I am still a work in progress.  But progress is a good thing.  So, will I have the courage to greet death undisturbed?  I don’t know.

KNOCK! KNOCK!
“Who’s there?”
“The Conceit-”
“The Conceit Who?”
“The Conceit, I Am.”

The Last Samurai

This busy world makes it difficult to calm my busy mind.  That goes against the values of a society that doesn’t want to see itself clearly.  A world infected by wrong views, wrong effort, and wrong everything down the line.  Encouraging me to live within suffering, until, I found my way to the Practice.

Concentration, healthy renunciation, and holding to precepts are difficult to see as a gift when the world around me says otherwise.  Yet, such efforts when properly tuned and tailored to suit, allow for quiet and clear seeing.  That’s when the “Consumer” can see itself feeding, and reflect on the affects of various unhealthy types of food.  Renunciation also gives the “Producer” a chance to create healthy food for the mind, since no other food is available.  Then, when we reflect carefully on any healthy results achieved with appreciative-joy, we begin to incline the mind to new and healthy grooves.

Unfortunately, the “Producer” and “Consumer” within my mind have been doing battle as if Samurai in Feudal Japan for decades.  They’ve been lost within the jungles of my personal narratives, where the “Producer” creates rotten food that the “Consumer” sucks up like a vacuum, only to increase in hunger and thirst.  My challenge is to bring this all to light, forgivingly, and without judgment.  Since the warriors have simply been doing what they’ve been trained to do, by a mind that thought such actions would bring about happiness.

In fact the “Producer” and “Consumer” of my mind are like parts of a Samurai sword.  Picture the “Producer” as the handle, and the “Consumer” as the blade.  Virtue keeps the blade clean and the handle comfortable for gripping.  Concentration keeps the spotless blade sharp, and ready to cut through the defilements of ignorance with Discernment.  Anyone can retrain the mind through Practice.  Until the warriors in the mind become one.

Dancing with the Devil

I've been sitting with the question "how can I change the way I live?"  I try not to think about it or answer it.  Since, that would be coming from the same thinking-mind that I'm trying to change.  Instead, I just bring the question into view just before I drop it, and focus on my breathing.

I have a long history of substance abuse.  It's easy to be good when you avoid triggers.
Valentines day weekend just past, I'm still single, and my life is not where I'd like it to be.  Plenty of fresh and raw reasons to beat myself up.

The opportunity to embrace old demons manifested itself.  I didn't ask the devil to leave.  But I didn't feed him or ask him to stay.  Such is the gift of Right effort in my Practice.

Observing Uposatha has been a testing ground for new and improved versions of my life.  I learn things about myself whenever I accept the challenge.  Then, I try to bring these things into my daily life.  Sometimes without even realizing.  So, when the devil showed up in my mind, we danced with the breath.  Until he left tired and hungry, while I was rested and well fed.

The Observer

There are many voices in my head.  I divided them into four main characters to help me understand them and to assist with performances.  Actually their only three main committee members, since one does not speak at all.  He simply observes the committee leaders and their subtle membership base in action.

“El Rojo” is symbolic of lust and craving for sensual pleasures.  He lives in a state of hunger in search for the next fix of pleasure.  He is a strong dominant voice that enjoys provoking lust in others.  To counter act him I try investigating his view of pleasure to see if there is suffering within it.

“Mr. Grey” is symbolic of all that can provoke aversion, hatred, disliking and everything in-between.  He lives within constant agitation and is prone to violence.  Yet, his true nature is submissive.  I counter act him with thoughts of good will and metta.

“El Negro” is symbolic of all that is spiritual within me.  He lives to seek balance and peace.  He has made it his mission to make peace between “El Rojo” and “Mr. Grey.”  His challenge is to not lose himself in helping others.  Meditation serves to help him.

“The Observer” is the silent committee member.  He does not get involved in any arguments or disputes.  He participates only by watching.  The only challenge with him is to stay connected to him.  Renunciation and observing Uposatha assists with that.

Fire

My practice is working, that I know for sure, just as surely as I know that I still got a long way to go.  Subtle movements in my mind that I could not see before are becoming visible.  But, I still get trapped and bullied by old karma.  Last week old unskillful fabrications arose as a means to cope with (the lower back injury I mentioned) pain.  Well, the pain has gotten better, but I can still feel strong urges to deal with it unskillfully.

The mountain of unskillful habits, thoughts and old karma get bigger whenever I indulge them.  In that same vein they also get smaller whenever I confront them.  I know this and have seen it clearly manifest in my life, even before I started meditating.  However, old habits die hard, and I barely managed to observe even a modified version of Uposatha.  I focused on problem areas and loosened my grip on others.

I walk into a Bodega in the Bronx.  It’s around 5pm and I was on my way to Sunday night meditation class, which is just to say that I was feeling really contemplative and I was focusing on pleasant sensations in the body.  All as I walk into a somewhat hectic environment; the yells of various people demanding orders, the worker behind the deli trying to keep up, and the aroma of various different delicious Latin dishes.  All I wanted was a cup of coffee, and I was in a bit of a rush, I didn’t want to be late considering that I signed up to help out on Sunday nights.  But, I noticed a lady quietly trying to make up her mind about what she wanted to eat.  Twice she paused indecisively, as others came behind me and yelled out their orders.  The third time was enough.  I decided it was time for me to yell out for a cup of coffee.  “RRRRRoar!  Why can’t you just wait and let me figure out what I want!?!!”  The lady turned red like a tomato, it was clear that she was very-very angry.

Suddenly, I felt as if my head had turned into flames, it spread quickly all over my body.  I was all tied up in knots with my entire body in flames!  I could not find any spot in my body to feel a pleasant sensation.  The only thing on my mind were the words “Who the HELL do YOU think you are yelling at!?”  But, I decided to have compassion for myself instead.  It felt natural to do so, and it gave me enough space to let anger breathe.  Clearly I had felt attacked, and I was becoming angry.  Seconds past by and they felt like an eternity.  Just as I started to find a comfortable spot of breathe sensation in the belly.  The lady repeated herself in her loudest and angriest voice.  I fixated on the tiniest little spot of neutral sensation as my mind, body and the entire room with everyone in it was on fire.  A few seconds later, I was back in the room, the lady was paying me no mind, and my coffee was ready.

Mara

My weekend was filled with pain/difficulty.  But that is only 1/3 of any experience.  There is also (1/3)pleasure/ease, and (1/3)neither-pleasure-nor-pain.  The problem is that I’ve spent the majority of my life clutching and labeling pain.  So it is the first one to jump out at attention based upon my old Karma.

I hurt my back doing “Deadlifts” with less than proper form last week.  I always find that when I am going through anything painful, I am more likely to reach and cling to sense pleasure.  That means I consumed allot of junk this weekend, among other unhealthy things.  But I did manage to hold my commitment to observe Uposatha on Saturday.

Uposatha day also happened to be the day I visited an old friend that is not Buddhist.  It also turns out that we had a third guest join us, Mara was present.  My friend was swimming in old habits that I no longer engage, and he was desperately trying to reach out to me.  I had to be very careful to be firm in my precepts and not get pulled under.  The challenge served to do two things.  It proved to me that I can confront old demons and be an example to others of how valuable it is to be true.

Well, I don’t think I’ll be visiting my old friend for awhile, not unless our time is very structured and preplanned.  I think it also helped that I was observing when I met up with him.  So, although my weekend was filled with pain and difficulties, that was not the whole of my experience.  I did battle with Mara this weekend, and while I didn’t win every battle.  I won the most important ones to me.