The Last Samurai

This busy world makes it difficult to calm my busy mind.  That goes against the values of a society that doesn’t want to see itself clearly.  A world infected by wrong views, wrong effort, and wrong everything down the line.  Encouraging me to live within suffering, until, I found my way to the Practice.

Concentration, healthy renunciation, and holding to precepts are difficult to see as a gift when the world around me says otherwise.  Yet, such efforts when properly tuned and tailored to suit, allow for quiet and clear seeing.  That’s when the “Consumer” can see itself feeding, and reflect on the affects of various unhealthy types of food.  Renunciation also gives the “Producer” a chance to create healthy food for the mind, since no other food is available.  Then, when we reflect carefully on any healthy results achieved with appreciative-joy, we begin to incline the mind to new and healthy grooves.

Unfortunately, the “Producer” and “Consumer” within my mind have been doing battle as if Samurai in Feudal Japan for decades.  They’ve been lost within the jungles of my personal narratives, where the “Producer” creates rotten food that the “Consumer” sucks up like a vacuum, only to increase in hunger and thirst.  My challenge is to bring this all to light, forgivingly, and without judgment.  Since the warriors have simply been doing what they’ve been trained to do, by a mind that thought such actions would bring about happiness.

In fact the “Producer” and “Consumer” of my mind are like parts of a Samurai sword.  Picture the “Producer” as the handle, and the “Consumer” as the blade.  Virtue keeps the blade clean and the handle comfortable for gripping.  Concentration keeps the spotless blade sharp, and ready to cut through the defilements of ignorance with Discernment.  Anyone can retrain the mind through Practice.  Until the warriors in the mind become one.

Dancing with the Devil

I've been sitting with the question "how can I change the way I live?"  I try not to think about it or answer it.  Since, that would be coming from the same thinking-mind that I'm trying to change.  Instead, I just bring the question into view just before I drop it, and focus on my breathing.

I have a long history of substance abuse.  It's easy to be good when you avoid triggers.
Valentines day weekend just past, I'm still single, and my life is not where I'd like it to be.  Plenty of fresh and raw reasons to beat myself up.

The opportunity to embrace old demons manifested itself.  I didn't ask the devil to leave.  But I didn't feed him or ask him to stay.  Such is the gift of Right effort in my Practice.

Observing Uposatha has been a testing ground for new and improved versions of my life.  I learn things about myself whenever I accept the challenge.  Then, I try to bring these things into my daily life.  Sometimes without even realizing.  So, when the devil showed up in my mind, we danced with the breath.  Until he left tired and hungry, while I was rested and well fed.

The Observer

There are many voices in my head.  I divided them into four main characters to help me understand them and to assist with performances.  Actually their only three main committee members, since one does not speak at all.  He simply observes the committee leaders and their subtle membership base in action.

“El Rojo” is symbolic of lust and craving for sensual pleasures.  He lives in a state of hunger in search for the next fix of pleasure.  He is a strong dominant voice that enjoys provoking lust in others.  To counter act him I try investigating his view of pleasure to see if there is suffering within it.

“Mr. Grey” is symbolic of all that can provoke aversion, hatred, disliking and everything in-between.  He lives within constant agitation and is prone to violence.  Yet, his true nature is submissive.  I counter act him with thoughts of good will and metta.

“El Negro” is symbolic of all that is spiritual within me.  He lives to seek balance and peace.  He has made it his mission to make peace between “El Rojo” and “Mr. Grey.”  His challenge is to not lose himself in helping others.  Meditation serves to help him.

“The Observer” is the silent committee member.  He does not get involved in any arguments or disputes.  He participates only by watching.  The only challenge with him is to stay connected to him.  Renunciation and observing Uposatha assists with that.

Fire

My practice is working, that I know for sure, just as surely as I know that I still got a long way to go.  Subtle movements in my mind that I could not see before are becoming visible.  But, I still get trapped and bullied by old karma.  Last week old unskillful fabrications arose as a means to cope with (the lower back injury I mentioned) pain.  Well, the pain has gotten better, but I can still feel strong urges to deal with it unskillfully.

The mountain of unskillful habits, thoughts and old karma get bigger whenever I indulge them.  In that same vein they also get smaller whenever I confront them.  I know this and have seen it clearly manifest in my life, even before I started meditating.  However, old habits die hard, and I barely managed to observe even a modified version of Uposatha.  I focused on problem areas and loosened my grip on others.

I walk into a Bodega in the Bronx.  It’s around 5pm and I was on my way to Sunday night meditation class, which is just to say that I was feeling really contemplative and I was focusing on pleasant sensations in the body.  All as I walk into a somewhat hectic environment; the yells of various people demanding orders, the worker behind the deli trying to keep up, and the aroma of various different delicious Latin dishes.  All I wanted was a cup of coffee, and I was in a bit of a rush, I didn’t want to be late considering that I signed up to help out on Sunday nights.  But, I noticed a lady quietly trying to make up her mind about what she wanted to eat.  Twice she paused indecisively, as others came behind me and yelled out their orders.  The third time was enough.  I decided it was time for me to yell out for a cup of coffee.  “RRRRRoar!  Why can’t you just wait and let me figure out what I want!?!!”  The lady turned red like a tomato, it was clear that she was very-very angry.

Suddenly, I felt as if my head had turned into flames, it spread quickly all over my body.  I was all tied up in knots with my entire body in flames!  I could not find any spot in my body to feel a pleasant sensation.  The only thing on my mind were the words “Who the HELL do YOU think you are yelling at!?”  But, I decided to have compassion for myself instead.  It felt natural to do so, and it gave me enough space to let anger breathe.  Clearly I had felt attacked, and I was becoming angry.  Seconds past by and they felt like an eternity.  Just as I started to find a comfortable spot of breathe sensation in the belly.  The lady repeated herself in her loudest and angriest voice.  I fixated on the tiniest little spot of neutral sensation as my mind, body and the entire room with everyone in it was on fire.  A few seconds later, I was back in the room, the lady was paying me no mind, and my coffee was ready.