Onions

Do you like onions? My life is similar to one. It doesn’t work well with every dish. But some dishes require onions. Fear, sadness and pain wrapped around a core in layers. The core is where our strength is waiting to be discovered.

I am lucky enough to have a Practice that teaches you to be skillful like a chef. There are tools we may use to approach an onion. Carefully we concentrate on, and evaluate the onion, brightening the mind as we wash it under cold water to keep from crying. Until we gently reach the center.

It’s very important to discern when we’ve had enough, or when we’ve done too little. This enables us to be moderate in our approach to things. That’s how I try to keep up my effort. Something I have a great deal of trouble with. I have a tendency to stick my nose in the onion regardless of how much it burns. Forgetting to alternate and be gentle.

I got up at 10am instead of 4am. I tried not to beat myself up about it. But the groves of harshness towards my-self run pretty deep. I started the day with 30mins of walking meditation. I read some Dhamma, and had breakfast.

I went to the gym and trained shoulders and forearms, without any music. I pushed for strength. It was pretty empty in the gym even for a Saturday morning. That made for very few distractions. I enjoyed my workout. I got back too late to eat a post workout meal. So I just washed up, and then meditated for 30mins.

I did really well observing Uposatha until the late evening. That’s when I started to sob internally within my solitude. During my last meditation I could hear the festive sounds of music as my neighbors partied.  And they partied throughout the night.

I began to stick my nose into the onion.  I turned on the internet and tried to tune out the festivities. I began to chase behind pleasure to alleviate my pain. It was too difficult at the time to see that I was causing my own pain. That’s how I spent the entire night on the internet, until sunrise. I had fallen away from my observance of Uposatha.

The only thing I had left was to notice my own suffering and try my best not to beat myself up. That would just make it worse. Sure, I had done much better last week. But I will live to try again this week. Besides, there is always another onion.

New Moon

Today is New Moon Uposatha, I will attempt to observe the 8 precepts.  Today I woke up at 4:30 am.  An extremely unusual thing for me, I might add.  Considering that I usually wake up around noon.  But this is the day I give myself the gift of renunciation, or I try to anyway.

First I washed up and drank some lemonade.  After clearing away the only non folding furniture I have, my bed.  I began to stretch, ending later with another swig of lemonade.  Then my morning chant of the 5 precepts, followed by a 30 minute meditation session.  Wait, why am I chanting the 5 precepts when I’m supposed to be following the 8 precepts?  (Can’t get anything past you huh?)  I chant the 5 because they’re the only ones I know how to chant.  Not to mention I feel better later on if I fall short of the 8.  And I can still stick to the 5.  Well, it makes sense in my head anyway.
 
After meditation I read some Dhamma.  Then, I have a small breakfast consisting of oatmeal, fruit and milk.  I wait about 15 minutes for food to settle down.  Then I head straight to the gym.

I started training my back and biceps at 7am, without my iPod.  The 7th precept requires me to leave it behind.  However, the gym did have its own music.  But they play it at such a low volume that I had more difficulty ignoring the various conversations that filled the space next to me.

I was home, showered and eating my post workout meal by 9:15am.  It is so unusual to get this much done this early; I wasn’t even sure what to do with myself after.  I decided to take a quick-nap.  That turned out to be more like sleeping, since 30mins turned into an hour.  I elected not to beat myself up about it and keep it moving.  Waking up at 4:30am is going to take some getting used to.

I was not feeling hungry so I decided to skip lunch in favor of meditating again for 30mins, then lounging with my cat.  Later I checked in with my mom and caught up on news.  My brother’s dog was more than happy to join me.  I decided to walk my brother’s dog to brighten my mind.  I could use all the help I can get, considering the difficulty in securing the mind from the pull of sensual experience.  But I’m surely not the only one.  Yet today I hold the Uposatha banner!  Making it easier for me to stay focused.  Well, sometimes.

The world does not pause to make it easier to train the mind.  Marvelously short skirts do a serenading waltz.  The scent of pastelitos of assorted Caribbean flavors calling out to me by name!  (Pastelitos are fried pastries filled with sweet or savory fillings)  I have my work cut out for me finding pleasure within, amongst all these temptations without.

I bought Aloe juice and a Citroma laxative to accompany me on my fast today.  I am not supposed to eat after noon today, until tomorrow morning.  Not to mention today will be a long day at work and I will be going back to the gym after, to do night time cardio.  I hope to end the day with a vegetable shake, an evening meditation and a Dhamma reading.  Wish me luck!