Infidelity

What is the common factor that causes people to cheat on their partner?

I trust that most will find a complex answer to this. Some venture out because of abuse, emotional or physical dissatisfaction, the excitement of something new or forbidden.  That is of course assuming the people involved are even aware of their actions at all.  I’ve heard of circumstances where they claimed it just happened unexpectedly.

I, myself, fell victim to such a case long ago.  Someone I dated had severe abandonment issues.  We had reached a VERY thoughtful level of communication, and according to her, even more satisfying physical interactions.  Yet, something within her, that I had no control over, made her feel inadequate and threatened by the world.  Unknown to me, initially, sex was a tool to ease anxiety and exercise control over the world; it was according to her “a woman’s way to feel empowered.” 

Still, as complicated as all these events might seem.  I often find myself searching for the common thread, driving trait or characteristic; something I can identify in a potential partner before trusting them.  I think that common thread lays hidden within our character flaws.  Something we all have, even those that do not cheat!  No one is perfect, indeed.  So I am left with no other choice but to trust slowly with time, hoping that my trust is well placed.  That is, if I intend to live and enjoy the company of another, I must be willing to take risks.

I can never know the contents of another’s mind.  All I can do is work on being the person I wish to attract.  Practicing integrity in all I do, continuing to work on my own short comings.  If I can’t find what I am looking for in another, then I can at least find what I am looking for within myself.

Paradox

“Am I still feeling my breath?  Oh shit!  I’ve slipped off into thinking.  This sucks!  Why the hell am I not enlightened already?  I am not good at this.  I should just give it up.  My meditation will never be perfect.  I will never be perfect.  Life will never be perfect!”  Does any of this sound familiar?  This is usually how my meditations go.  Hell!  This is usually how my life goes.  Being a perfectionist sucks!

I’ve written about being a perfectionist before.  Yet, the truth of just how much pain my striving for perfection causes is still not apparent to me.  I live in denial about it.  I blame others and point fingers for what I am doing to myself.  The world is a terrible place for a greedy-non-accepting-fanatical-perfectionist, like me.  I live in a constant reaching for what will never arrive.

There is a conceit to my greed, which obstructs me from overcoming it.  Ironic, my sense of being better than others obstructs me from seeing that I don’t ever feel I am good enough.  What would life be like if I could feel content with my accomplishments, while still striving to become better?  I really don’t know; while it is nice to improve, it is even nicer to see those improvements.

“Oh!  Be careful that is what will lead to conceit.”  I am still working through this paradox.  So, I may not be the best source of information on how to overcome it.  However, I am sure that ignoring our accomplishments will not serve to make us more humble.  If that were the case, I’d be the most humble person on this planet, and I am anything but that.

Pride V Humilty

What does it mean to be intelligent?  To know useful things has a purpose.  Yet, how easily the defilements arm themselves with all I know.  This leaves intelligence as my largest hurdle of pride and self centeredness.  The more intelligent I become, the more effective my own wickedness may be at fooling me, robbing me, and lying to me.

Pride is like being filled with empty ideas.  None of it nourishes me to love myself.  Yet, I hold onto it all for dear life.  I don’t want to part with myself importance.  Although, I see the hidden building blocks of unhappiness I cause myself.  I just haven’t suffered enough to let it go.

If only I could calm my rage long enough to be grateful for what I can see today.  Things I just couldn’t see yesterday.  Surely that would pave the way to patience, kindness and self love.  But I’m addicted to my rage.  It’s my comforter; my oldest companion through the lonely and cold winters of my heart.

I am in love with my own wickedness.  Everything I learn about the world around becomes fuel for the fire I burn myself in.  I am tired of getting burned.  But my lack of humility in all things says I am NOT tired enough.

Blank Page

A blank page is symbolic of awakening, and the path that gets you there.  It does not have any preconceived notions about what message it will receive.  Nor does it spend any time dwelling on what has happened in the past.  It is plain, beautifully simple, and empty.

How does one achieve such simplicity within the confines of a complex human life?  The blank page suggests that we keep it down to the most basic question of Karma.  What actions lead to what result?  A blank page is content at being useful in creating and displaying a meaning.  Can we do the same for our own happiness?

Above all else a blank page is honest.  It does not lie and pretend to be this or that.  It is not looking for anyone’s approval.  It only claims to be at the disposal of a power higher than itself.

We scribble on it, we write both the most meaningful and the most destructive messages on it.  We spill our food and drink on it.  We rip it to shreds, and sometimes, try to tape it back together.  We’ve found or lost the meaning of life on it, and yet, it is always waiting, and ready, with the same care we have given it.  Can we be as magnanimous as a blank page?

The Buddha suggests that we can.

The Body

How we see ourselves from the inside is truly a universe all to itself.  It is the foundation of how we relate to the universe around us.  But, before you can develop a healthy universe inside, you must first notice the flaws within it.  Why would you fix something that you don’t think is broken?

This would be impossible to do if you are deficient of honesty and courage!  You must be willing to endure the pain of being with what you don’t want and the pain of being away from what you do want long enough to see how you relate.  There can be no drugs, hindrances or obsessions in the way; we must be still and sober. 

It wasn’t until I faced my deepest inner insecurities that it dawned on me.  The biggest problem that I have ever had was spawned by a negative body image.  I still travel with heavy luggage filled with associations I made when I was still learning how to talk.  Ironically, the antidote for an unhealthy body image is a healthy negative body image.

Most people don’t like the strategy called “Contemplation of the Body” it can inspire disgust.  i.e. blood, urine, feces, intestines, puss, phlegm, saliva etc…  This is not to inspire an obsession for what is disgusting about being human.  It is to remind us that we are all fundamentally the same from the inside out.  It is to pry us from our attachment to what is beautiful about the body before it fades due to illness or aging, to cure us of our obsessions for what we have or don’t have, and to make us focus on what is truly beautiful about being human: Integrity, Love and Compassion.

Here follows a few links I’ve found to be helpful about the body:
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/study/bodymind.html

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/khantipalo/wheel271.html

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/mn/mn.010.soma.html

Myself

It is hard to figure out where I am in this intense wilderness of my mind, let alone be where I am.  I’ve spent most of my life negating who I was in hopes to become something more impressive to the fractured world around me.  Gentleness and curiosity were quickly traded for harsh resentment at a very young age.  It served to make me more, “normal,” and fractured like the world, compartmentalizing everything; denying the bonds that link the all together.

First, I must stop blaming the world for my shortcomings.  The world will be what it is, and I will still choose to see it how I wish.  Choice is a very funny thing.  I never thought I'd meet my worst enemy by sitting alone with myself, quietly.  I still don’t know my enemy/self too well.  But, I don’t have to know everything about my enemy, or even love him, to wish him well.

Patience, endurance and more control over my speech are the biggest obstacles in my way at this time.  I can see it all too clearly in the way I relate to myself.  The voices that come up when I try to motivate myself are very cruel and impatient.  That is why it so important that I practice with everyone else, what I wish to practice with myself.

Dear Self,

I am sorry I’ve resented you for so long.  I am sorry for the way I belittle you, disrespect you, and even ignore you.  I didn’t know any better.  I thought it was wise to separate myself from you.  I don’t expect you to like me or forgive me over night.  However, whether we like it or not.  We are in this together!

Sincerely,


Myself

P.S. I've heard rumors that you ain't all that bad. :)

Be Generous or Thirsty

Anyone that wishes to be released from the clutches of fear, addiction, anxiety, lust, anger or obsession would do well to listen closely.  Generosity must be your foundation.  We must live as if life depends on skillful acts of kindness.  Our happiness depends on it.  Begin with generosity towards others, and then take joy in those acts.

The main problem we face is our own stinginess.  We swim in a cesspool of greed.  Then we wonder why we can’t see, or how we got to smell so foul.  Perhaps we don’t like ourselves, or worse, we’ve convinced ourselves that our stinginess is agreeable, or we simply think there is no other way.  OH!  But there is always another way.

I see this in myself.  Subtle forms of stinginess hide within me and it's even encouraged by our greedy culture.  My mind uses its own intelligence as a tool to do itself harm.  How often do we stop, pause and reflect to see just what it is we are holding?

I also see this in spiritual communities.  So many opportunities to be generous and kind go unnoticed, if not avoided all together.  I can always measure how much I’m suffering by how little I donate in terms of resources, time, or service.  How ironic, that this happens even among those spiritually thirsty “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make her drink.”